


What a Nightmare! Extended Prologue/Arc 2 Before Arc 2

by sparrowofsong



Series: What a Nightmare! [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: (hopefully I'm portraying ptsd well sorry I'm not experienced with anything beyond emotional trauma), (sort of its complicated and not permanent (obviously) but it's still like. there), Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Post-Episode: Selfishness v. Selflessness, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Hatred, Sympathetic Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Sympathetic Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Dark Sides (Sanders Sides), Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Sympathetic Logic | Logan Sanders, Sympathetic Morality | Patton Sanders, Sympathetic Sides (Sanders Sides), Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:14:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 20,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24396352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparrowofsong/pseuds/sparrowofsong
Summary: What a Nightmare! is an AU where Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts never happened. Remus and Janus/Ethan came up with another plan that, unfortunately, worked!Arc 2 Before Arc 2 is an extended prologue of sorts, taking place in the future, after unknown (so far) events. Ethan has obviously gone through something terrible, and the others don't know what that was. They do their best to help anyway, and chaos ensues.This is told via an askblog on tumblr, where people ask the characters questions, and use the answers to continue the story. If you want to participate, you can either submit a question at @what-a-nightmare-ts-au, or leave a comment here! (Just be sure to specify that it's for a character.) Either way, I hope you enjoy the story!FAQ here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NSwo3IaF1WCcrr0JeExv183LPYjg2XUKDT9m0nw2y_Y/edit?usp=sharing
Series: What a Nightmare! [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1933105
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	1. The Actual Prologue

Ethan kept his eyes down as he begrudgingly followed Patton into his room, taking a seat at his table. He stared at the small plate of cookies in the center, able to watch Patton sit across from him in his peripheral vision, but refusing to look directly at him. 

Why couldn’t they just leave him be? He’d been just fine with spending the last week alone, savoring the silence he’d gone so long without. If he had it his way, he’d still be doing exactly that. It was better than having to face them. 

“Would you like one, kiddo?” Patton sounded tentatively hopeful. “I made them just for you.“ 

He gritted his teeth and forced himself to glance up at him for a second, hoping he could manage to scan his face for any signs of underhanded trickery without- 

_~~please no fake evil not real not real beat stab push bruise blood break pain lies lies li **es anger fear danger please dont hurt huRT HURT HURT**~~ _

-regretting it. 

Ethan squeezed his eyes shut, his heart racing as he tried to maintain his composure. He couldn’t stomach a cookie if he tried. 

Eventually, he found it in him to respond.

“I’ll pass.“ 

There was a pause. Silence was more unnerving when he wasn’t alone. 

“You… you haven’t eaten in months, kiddo. Not even after you woke up. You didn’t touch anything we sent to your room this whole week.“ 

Or rather, the spare room they’d created. Everyone had agreed to leave Ethan’s room be after they found him, and he didn’t exactly protest after coming to. 

“I understand that you don’t want to talk to us, or see us, and that’s okay. I’m sure you have a good reason.” He took a deep breath to steady his voice. “But I can’t just let you starve to death in there. You’ve gotta regain energy somehow.“ 

“Is that so?” Ethan scoffed, back to staring at the table. “Pray tell, Patton, when did you suddenly start caring?“ 

Taken aback by how easily his resentful words slipped out, there was a moment’s pause before his eyes widened in alarm. 

_~~dont you fucking dare please youve done enough sorry sorry pain pain blood too much let me go please n **o no no sorry sorry ill be better ill be better please no please please nO HURT HURT HURT HURT**~~ _  


He immediately snapped his head towards Patton, watching with learned vigilance for annoyance, anger, malice, spite – any potential sign of dangerous intentions.

Decidedly ignoring the sting of regret, Patton sat perfectly still as Ethan observed him. He didn’t dare risk heightening his fear, though he had no clue where it came from. That was why they were there, after all. No one knew what had happened, and with each day Ethan refused to see them, refused to eat, refused to do _anything_ but sit alone in the spare room, their concern grew. Together, they came up with a plan that would, hopefully, get him to open up. Even if only a bit. They just needed _something_ to work with so they could figure out what to do.

So, they brought him to Patton’s room and let the two chat for a bit. Among other things, his room caused them to think and talk about the past, and they’d hoped it would help Ethan do just that. It almost seemed to be working, too; that was the most in-character he’d sounded since the court hearing! However, as Patton watched his fear steadily increase, he was starting to wonder if this was such a good idea.

After a few tense minutes, Ethan realized that, at least for now, no harm would come to him. It wouldn’t have taken this long before. He didn’t completely let his guard down, of course, but he let himself relax a bit, dropping his gaze and continuing to watch Patton from the corner of his eye.

Just to be safe, Patton waited a few more minutes before he broke the silence, answering the question ever so softly.

“I started caring when you helped me remember that I should.”

_~~no no no n **o knife dead body blood accident cant move get help my fault my fault weak useless murderer monster punish pain sORRY SORRY PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE NO HURT HURT HURT HURT HU RT**~~ _

“Oh, by all means, let’s discuss _exactly_ what I did to you that day.” Ethan gritted his teeth, trembling hands clenched into fists as he desperately tried to control his rapid, shallow breaths. “It isn’t like I’ve been forced to dwell on it _every single day_ for… how long did you say it was? Seven _months?_ “ 

Patton winced. This was the most he’d told them about the ordeal, sure, but it was obviously a sore subject. It looked like their plan had a few flaws. "Sorry, kiddo. We don’t have to talk about it. If nothing else, though, I do wanna make sure you know it wasn’t your fault. And I’m not angry, or upset, or anything like that. I know it was an accident.”

Ethan opened his mouth to protest, but stopped dead in his tracks once he fully processed the statement. “…How? How can you _possibly_ be that sure? How much do you even… What do you _think_ you know about _any_ of this?" 

"If I’m being honest, not much. We know next to nothing about what happened after we’d forgotten. There’s a few scraps of information about before that, a few details we’d noticed, but…” Without thinking, he reached for the cookies in the center of the table, unintentionally extending his hand towards– 

_~~**danger danger grab shove beat stab trapped pain lies lies lies break sharp broken broken gold blood hELP PLEASE STOP STOP PLEASE SORRY SORRY SORRY HURT HURT HURT HURT HU RT H U R T** ~~ _

_“NO!”_

Ethan cried out in alarm, recoiling with enough force to fall out of his chair. Patton jerked his hand back as he rebuked himself for his carelessness, stubbornly gripping his chair to refrain from helping Ethan up. It was now abundantly clear that it would do more harm than good.

His broken facade of composure now thoroughly shattered, Ethan kept his eyes locked on Patton as he picked himself up and backed away. Every step of his retreat was agonizingly slow; despite knowing he could actually escape this time, he still refused to risk further aggravating the perceived threat.

Patton, however, was not aggravated in the slightest. He was _horrified_.

"I don’t think we’ve got the whole picture at all." 


	2. Chapter 2

> Anonymous: "Dear Ethan, what happened that made you leave the others for so long? I know it must be a sore subject, but we are curious as to why you hid. Also, Remus, do you have any input to add as to why Ethan stayed alone for so long?"

_-Ethan closes his eyes tightly, his voice cracking_.

Ethan: I didn’t… mean to. I thought I… I-I… thought…

_-He pauses and blinks a few times. His brow furrows as he slowly becomes more frustrated, almost disgusted with himself. He growls, trying to put more force behind his words._

Ethan: _No_. It’s been so goddamned long since I could stop thinking about it. And now I finally can. Don’t… don’t. Don’t make me think about it anymore.

_-He hesitates, tensing up a bit._

Ethan: Please.

~

_-Remus sighs._

Remus: I don’t know any more than Patton does, or anyone else here. We had almost a month to put all the pieces together while Ethan recovered, and we thought we had it figured out. We were so sure we knew what happened.

_-He takes a deep breath._

Remus: But then… then he woke up. A-and he was… _afraid_ of us. He was afraid of _me_. So now we’re back at square one. We’re missing something, something big. Because it just… it doesn’t make sense.

_-His voice becomes a little bit quieter, a little more strained._

Remus: I- I mean, I know _Thomas_ was afraid of me for the longest time. Which is… which is fair, right? Because everyone else was too. Either that, or they just, y'know, hated me.

_-He forces out a laugh and wipes his face with trembling hands, trying and failing to hide the tears he can no longer fight back._

Remus: But at least… at least Ethan… but… but now, he…

_-Unable to keep it together anymore, he sinks to the floor with his head in his hands, whimpering._

Remus: I don’t know what I did wrong this time.


	3. Chapter 3

> Anonymous: "To everyone, are you guys,,,, ok? Even just a little ok?"

Ethan: Hah! Haha! Oh, I’m doing just swell. What could possibly lead you to believe I’m not? Is it maybe the fact that I’m too cowardly to even look at them? Is that it?

_-He clenches his fists._

Ethan: I’m out, and they’re not them, and I know that! I should be fine! But no, I just can’t let go of something that’s already over, can I?

-

Logan: Something like this is… not easy to get off one’s mind, by any means. I’m certainly no exception. Ethan’s been suffering for a long time, and is obviously _still_ suffering, and everyone’s blaming themselves for it.

Patton: I was too uptight. If I hadn’t focused so much on making Thomas perfect, if I’d let everyone be heard, he wouldn’t have needed to try so hard to be.

Virgil: I was too hateful. If I hadn’t pushed him aside and treated him like shit, he wouldn’t have been so desperate to fix things.

Remus: I was too impulsive. If I’d actually considered the consequences, we could’ve come up with something else.

Roman: I was too careless. If I’d just thought about what came out of my mouth, we could’ve saved him just in time. 

Logan: And I’m… still no exception. I was too slow. If I hadn’t wasted time to confirm my theory, we could’ve taken action sooner.

He could’ve been okay.


	4. Chapter 4

> Anonymous: "Ethan, are you ok if I call you Ethan? Anyways, you need a punching bag, or something else to hit"

Ethan: Yes. God, yes. Please. Anything but _Deceit_. I never want to hear that name again. And I could… theoretically get something like that. But I can’t seem to… move. 

_-You see Ethan under the bed, burrowed in a few blankets. There are no blankets anywhere else in the room._

Ethan: I mean, I’m capable of moving now. But as long as I stay here, as long as I stay hidden, I’m… safe. I know, I know, I know it’s stupid. I know. I’m starving, my throat is burning, I’m angry as fuck, and I’m sore from staying on the floor so long. But to get food, or water, or a punching bag, or more blankets, I’d have to make myself vulnerable. I’d have to be out in the open, and I’d have to… ask them. Willingly. And hope they don’t…

_-He shudders and shakes his head._

Ethan: I can’t. I can’t do it. I’m a coward, I’m weak, I’m pathetic, I’m stupid, I’m selfish, I’m overreacting, I _know_ all that already. But I just _can’t_. 

_-He mumbles bitterly._

Ethan: Besides, I’m used to it anyway.

> Anonymous: "Hey it's ok. You have no idea how many times I've wanted to curl up in my blankets and forget the world exists... it's not stupid and you're not weak. I'm assuming you've been through something traumatizing and that can take a long time to recover from. It's ok to feel those things"

Ethan: …

Ethan: I can’t believe you. It’s just... it’s just not possible. But that’s really, really nice to hear anyway. I- I... I haven’t…

_-His voice has gradually been diminished to mere whispers, and he covers his face as tears well up. He takes a few deep breaths, calming himself just enough to finish the sentence before breaking down._

Ethan: I haven’t heard anything like that in… ages. 

> Anonymous: "Take all the time you need to feel better. (If we can give the characters things I would like to give Ethan some soup or hot chocolate or both and some tissues) Just make sure you eat something at some point so you don't die"

Ethan: …thanks. I… I don’t know. Maybe if the food was in reach. They’ve been sending it to a specific table that’s not… it’s not far away by any means, but it’s farther than I’m comfortable moving to right now. 

_-He pauses and thinks for a few seconds._

Ethan: It’s… it’s almost funny, if you think about it. You’d think hunger would sort of… override that. But I think I’m just used to it, y’know? At some point, it stopped getting worse. It was consistent. It was one of the few things I could adjust to. Everything else, though…

_-He pulls the blanket around him tighter._

Ethan: There’s a reason I’d rather hide.

(The way I’m handling that is: you can’t _directly_ give them things. But since things can be summoned, you could prompt that. Ethan, however, does not have nearly enough energy to do it himself.)


	5. Chapter 5

> Anonymous: "Patton you need to summon a bowl of soup for Ethan... but don't let him know you did it if you can"

Patton: We’ve already been summoning food for him, including soup, and he hasn’t touched _any_ of it. I tried to talk to him about it, but that didn’t go very well either. At this point, we’re considering having one of us bring food in person and just… not leave until he eats it. We know he’s scared, and it really isn’t nice to do that, but he _has_ to eat.

> Anonymous: "Or Patton,,, you could leave him alone until he's ready. You can't force someone to feel better. You should know that better than anyone. Besides if he doesn't eat when you're not there, you think he will when you are there?"

Patton: First off, it isn’t just me! We’re all trying to come up with this stuff together. We don’t know what the heck we’re doing, and we don’t know what happened, and we don’t know how to help, but we’re really, really trying our best.

_-Logan hears the conversation in passing, and decides to join._

Logan: We aren’t doing these things on a whim. We know this situation requires gentleness and caution, and we’re doing what we can to plan accordingly. Ethan is obviously averse to looking at us, so we will keep that to a minimum. The designated side would simply deliver the food straight to him, and move as far away as the bounds of the room allow. Perhaps they’d even stand in the doorway, or just outside with the door open.

Patton: We don’t wanna scare him, and we’re not threatening him either! We’re just… watching to make sure he actually eats. Because we don’t know _when_ he’ll be ready. He hasn’t been ready for a week and a half, and I don’t really know how long we have left until he runs out of energy again.

Logan: At this point, the goal is not to make him feel better. I am fully aware that such a concept is not possible at the moment, and… as much as it pains me to say this, we can’t afford to prioritize that anymore. The goal now is to make sure he doesn’t _die._ We can consider his emotional state once we’re certain he’ll survive long enough for it to do any good.

> dorkyduckling16: "Have you considered that it’s not that he’s refusing to eat, but rather that he’s refusing to leave his hiding place? Maybe he will start eating if he can reach the food without having to “expose himself""

Logan: Is that what it is..? I see. If that’s the case, we still need to enter, but only briefly. We have to see where we’ll be summoning the food to. If we try to guess, we run the risk of summoning it half inside the wall, or worse, Ethan himself. The latter also means we may have to tell Ethan exactly where to expect it, to ensure that he knows what spot to avoid lingering in.

> Anonymous: "Maybe just knock on the door, tell him you have food, place the food nearby and leave? If he wants to eat, he'll take the food and leave the dishes where they were left afterward?"

Logan: If you mean nearby as in next to where he is, that is the plan, yes.

> Anonymous: "Yes, that's what I meant by nearby, like next to his door or whatever. Maybe also add like an "olive branch" so-to-speak too. Like have Patton make him a "We Miss You!" card and y'all can write in it/sign it?"

Logan: If the issue is that he does not wish to leave his hiding space, leaving food outside the door will accomplish nothing. We have been summoning food directly onto a designated table inside the room, and he has not touched it. The “olive branch” idea, however, is worth looking into. I know Remus is especially distressed by the situation, so perhaps making something of the sort will help him feel a tad better. However, we can worry about that later. I’d prefer not to put this off any longer.

> Anonymous: "Do you guys have anyway to communicate with Ethan. Maybe a blindfold or hiding in a small space if/when you enter could help alleviate his anxiety a bit?"

Logan: As he hasn’t wished to talk to us, no, not yet. Perhaps finding a way to do so is also worth looking into. I will make those suggestions before I fully enter the room, and give him a few minutes to prepare himself accordingly.

> Anonymous: "What have you guys managed to piece together so far? I know you don’t have the full picture yet but maybe if you tell us what you do know we can help you figure it out. We could work to help Ethan feel better from there"

  
Logan: Not enough. Nothing we have explains his fear. Even _I_ didn’t see anything that could possibly cause this. It just… it doesn’t make sense.

> Anonymous: "What do you mean "even you couldn't?" Do you think the others aren't as smart or something?"

Logan: Of course I don’t! I just…

_-He hesitates for a few seconds, then shakes his head._

Logan: That… isn’t important. Ethan is our current priority right now. As you were able to tell us the true reason behind his refusal to eat, it seems safe to assume that you are not only in contact with him, but trusted by him as well. If this is the case, would you mind warning him that I’ll be entering shortly? If the first he hears of it comes from you, it could help decrease the the amount of stress this may cause him.

> Anonymous: "Ah, Ethan? Um,, Logan said he's gonna come in a moment? So, um,,,"

Ethan: …Ah. I figured they’d eventually come back, but… not this soon. At least it’s Logan, I guess. Out of all of them, he should be somewhat less unpredictable. As long as he isn’t provoked.

> Anonymous: "Ethan just letting you know, one of the other sides is going to bring you food and put it down close enough for you to reach, but then they will leave right away ok? So don't freak out"

Ethan: Wait, is that… They’re actually… You told them, didn’t you? You told them how to actually help this time. And I’ll be able to eat. Holy shit. Just… thank you.

_-He pulls the blanket over his face to obstruct his view._

Ethan: As long as I don’t see him, I should… I should be fine. I guess tell him to go ahead? If that’s what he’s waiting for?


	6. Chapter 6

> Anonymous: "Logan, just set the food down close to the bed and don't look for Ethan ok? Whenever you're ready you can go. I repeat, Do NOT Look For Him. You go in, put the food down, get out. Nothing more"

Logan takes a deep breath and commits the plan to memory. The first priority is delivering the food; the second priority is making sure Ethan doesn’t get too stressed to eat it. Nothing he may want to say or ask outweighs that. Besides, as long as this goes well, there will always be another day for conversation.

He knocks on the door ever so softly.

-

_Tap, tap, tap._

Startled by the sudden sound, Ethan jerks upright and hits his head on the underside of the bed he’s burrowed under.

Really? He can’t even handle _knocking_ anymore?

Coward.

“No… No, no, no, no…” He clutches his head and shrinks back, barely whispering. “I wasn’t… I-I know, I know, I’m sorry, I…”

He’s there again. And it _hurts_.

-

Hearing no response, Logan slowly cracks open the door and makes sure to keep his voice low. 

“Ethan? It’s Logan. I’m here to bring you some food and water. Will you be okay if I–”

He’s interrupted by a pained sob.

> jemthebookworm: "Ethan dear heart can you hear us? We weren't There before, remember? You're safe, no one will hurt you, you're okay"

Ethan’s eyes widen, and his whispers are rushed and barely audible. “No, no, no, shh. Not now. They might hear you. I– I can’t lose you too. After. Talk after. Remember?”

~~(I hope this isn’t too confusing, but bear with me: you guys were technically there for this. The flashback is of something that happened in Arc 1, which is where the comic is starting us, which is before this. This “Arc 2 before Arc 2″ is building off of the prologue, which was in the future. Does that makes sense? You can ask for clarification if it doesn’t.)~~

> Anonymous: "It actually makes a surprising amount of sense. Logan, hurry put the food down and get out now!"

“I don’t… I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Logan hesitates, listening to the whimpers and sobs coming from under the bed. “This isn’t how he reacted when we had him talk to Patton. He was on edge and skittish, sure, but this time, he… he sounds like he’s in legitimate _pain_. I’d be willing to bet that either he’s experiencing a flashback, or he’s been harmed in some way. In either case, isolation is not the best option.”

> surohsopsisofclouds: "Ethan? Can you take deep breaths for me? Logan, be cautious, and don't make any sudden movements, it'll only scare him more. Keep a quiet voice. Maybe try a 4-7-8 pattern? But don't try to get close if you find where he is."

Logan slowly enters, closes the door, and sits down. Keeping his voice low, he begins his attempt to calm Ethan down.

“Ethan, can you do some breathing exercises with me?” He takes a few seconds to consider his wording, not wanting to phrase this as a command. “If you’re able, let’s inhale for four counts, hold our breath for seven counts, and exhale for eight counts. I’ll begin counting, and you may join me when you’re ready. Okay? In, 2, 3, 4. Hold, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7…”

After a couple repetitions, he can faintly hear faltering breaths following along, interrupted by the occasional hiccup. After a few more, Ethan’s breathing seems to have significantly stabilized, and Logan decides to see if he can move to the next step. 

“Ethan, are you okay with doing another exercise? If not, we can continue breathing. It is entirely your choice.”

There’s a slight pause before he gets a response.

“…okay with doing another.”

> jemthebookworm: "*drops voice to a whisper*! Oh, sorry Ethan, can you tell me where you are right now? You're doing amazing"

“You’re doing very, very well, Ethan.” Little by little, Logan’s voice has been replacing the one in Ethan’s head, and the reassurances contradict the past enough to drive it back just a bit faster. “Can you name five things you can see?”

What can he see? He blinks, trying to focus enough on his surroundings to pick something out. “Uh… sleeve? Hand, blanket. Floor. Pillow.”

“Good job! Now, can you name four things you can feel? What do they feel like?”

“The… the blanket is soft. And the pillow.” At his realization that those are what feel so nice, he hugs them tightly. “My…”

His head hurts. Does he dare mention it? Does he dare complain about something so small? What if Logan thinks he’s being over dramatic? What if he gets annoyed? What if he gets _angry?_ But what if he hesitates too long? That would be annoying too. He needs to think of something else. Why can’t he think of something else? He can’t focus on anything else anymore. He can’t tell him that his head hurts. He can’t keep him waiting. He can’t think of a third option.

Stupid, useless, failure, coward. He can’t even do this one little thing. He’s getting scared over nothing. Logan’s going to yell at him. Logan’s going to hurt him. And he’s going to deserve it for being so awful. 

He can’t move. 

He can’t speak. 

He can’t think.

Logan’s waiting. 

Logan’s waiting. 

Logan’s waiting. 

> surohsopsisofclouds: "Logan, he's spiralling. A quiet assurance would probably help. Ethan, it's ok. There's no rush, take your time."

“My…”

Ethan trails off. At first, Logan figures he may just need time to think. He lets a minute pass. And then a second minute. But Ethan doesn’t continue. 

If he’s spiraling, assurance is likely the best option. Thanks to what Logan knows, he has an idea of what may help.

“Ethan, there’s absolutely no pressure in this exercise. You are allowed to take time, and you are allowed to not answer. No matter what, you’re doing amazing.”

-

Amazing?

Him?

What?

Please. It’s out of pity.

But if nothing else, pity implies some degree of good will, doesn’t it?

Which means the rest of the statement is true. Probably.

Well either way, he still messed up. But at least Logan doesn’t think so.

Ethan opens his mouth to respond, perhaps intending to express gratitude, or to apologize. But before he can utter a word, he freezes.


	7. Chapter 7

> Anonymous: "Ethan you need to calm down. If Logan even looks at you wrong I will personally tell him he's wrong. Because right now you are traumatized and Logan understands that. He knows it's going to take some time. You are safe"

Calm down.

_C ̷alm ̛ ͢d̕o̧w n.̢_

**_C͜ a ҉l͡ ͏ m ͠ ͟_ **

**_͏ ͟do ̷w̢ ̛n̕.͘_ **

_~~“̹̮ **C̸͌ͨ̓̒̈́̀̽a̴̷ͣ̽̾͢͜l̶̿̓ͮͯ̐ͩ̎͋́͡m̷ͭ̍̉̓́ͫ͗̋͐̊̽͐̚͜͏ ̴̃ͣ̃̋͜ḑ̢̨̒͒̐̔ͫ̒ͪ͊͛̐͗̈́̾͂ͯ͆ͣͯ͂o̴͐͌̾͗̔̿ͧ͆͟͜w̵̶̨̧̄ͣ̓̇ͨ̏͞n̒̽ͮͯ͛̈̓͐͒ͧ̽̄ͮ͐̐̽ͬ** , ͉̪w̲̪̜̥͔͞o͏̯̬̙u͔̤͈͈̥l͙̭̕d̵͉͉͎̤̱ ̙̠y̼̪a̵̝̳?̬̣̩ ҉͕̤̠͇̝͉W̫̫̣ha̸͔̼ͅt̯̳̘,҉̹̲ ̗̤͓̫͘ỵ̲̘̦̭̱͔o͓͈͕͉̘̦̹u̬͖̮̘̺ ̡̯c̢̮̩̘̹͚̫͔a̛̭̫͉n̛͔̞'̹̙t͏ ̗̭͉̪͈̼h̻̖̫̯͙͚͞ͅa͏͍̻̪n̴̤̙̖̝̣d̜̜̯̰l͚͔͙͎͔e͕̱̺͍̠̝͕ ͙̬̬a̲͙ ̛l̖͔̞̪i̳͟t̹̖͖ţl̩̯̺̝͙̤͠e҉͉͇̯͙ ̪͓͈̹̦̫̱d̵̮̟̙̣i̼s̼̩͕̮c͇̼̤̠̥o̴m҉̲̘f̳̠̪͕̩̼o̻̰rt̩͙̟̱̗͟ ̩̞̪͖f̬͈͎͢o̱̲͔̩̼̺r̖ ̼͙͍̞T͈̮̝̗͖̫̯h̘͇̥͕o͚̜̝͍͠m̖̩̯a̠͇̭͕̮̣s̷̞̺?̭ ̞͈Ț̡̝̲h̫̭̜̼͚̟ę̤͎ ͔̯̭̟͇͉̪o̮̜̠̬͎̞͡t̵͍̩̤̞h̙͈̜er͓͍̦ͅ s̸͍̼i̼͕͟de̯̙̻͇ͅͅs̱͎͉͔?̥ ͖Y̖̥̖͇̲̰'̤͎͢k͜n̥̦̱͖̥̩ͅo̘͓w̳̟̞̱͈̣,̢̲͇͕͇ ͈̫̠̰̦̹t͍͎̝͢h̴͔̖̗̖e̶̹ ͎̖͎̲͕͈̕ͅo̟̬̦̪̕ṇ͇̭̞͙͜es̺͎̱ ̳͕͈̞̦̹͉th̺̠̜a̧͎̘̘̜̣͈̪t ̖̻a̮c̦͚̫̜͕̘ͅt̼̱̘͈̤̺͙ṵ͚̤̺͎a͙̲l̲͍̠̜̮̗l̹͎̳͟y̹̭ ̲͔̯̼̖̪̫̕m̭̬͇̥̫̱͘a̠͔͢tt̹͖̯̮e͚̩͇͕͚͈r̴̜?̸͙͙͔̰̗"̺ ͖̫̪͔̜̞~~ _

_~~**h̵ưr̵͢͡t̛ ̢͢͠h̸ų̷r͏t̶̡̨hu̶rţ̸͝ ͟͜ḩ̛ur̵̶t̢̡ ҉̨͝h͢u͏̧͞rt ̸̴hư͞rt͏ ̷̴͟h̛͟u̸r̶͟t̵ ͞҉h͢͢͠u̧r͞t ͡h̷̕͢u̵rt ͝ḩ̧u̡r̶͠t͘ ̨h̷҉̵u̸͡r̨҉t̨͟** ~~ _

_~~G̵̗̮̳͠o̡̪͘͡d҉̯̤̜̙̖,̢̧͕͙̼̹͈͜ ̵̦̝̬͔̥͍I̦ ͏͚̟̥͠ķ͇̗͕̻͚͕ņ̦̯̰̪e̖̭̤͙̞w͎͈̤̫͙͇̳̰ ̷̞̳͎̮̳̲͔͙͜ͅy̴̡͍o̩̻̦̮̭͞u͕̝̲ ̺̤w̢̢̱͚̗e͇̖̕͝͠ͅr҉̪͉̹̯͓̦͙̗̪͜e̷̶͚̜̰̹͞ ͖̬̯̩̝̙̺͈͎̕w̴̰͎͓̮̰̟̙̻̕͝ͅe̴̪̦͘a̧̰̣̬̱͙͝ͅk̝͙̜̠͜,̧͍̩̭͈͘ ͉̥͕b̸̨̘̳̫u̶̗̭̬͎̹̹͘͝t̴̝͎͉͈͕̺͖ ̷̧͚̠͖͍̘͢ͅt̕҉̨͚̲̙̻͙h̞͕͍̩̪̥͝i̗̲s͓͖͔͈͍̣̭͖͉͢ ̷̭͈̩̝͕̖i̶̮̦͈͖͕̼̜̫s̷̥̤͕̯̩͎̯ ҉̩̞̺̜͕̩̖̭j̵̨̰̳̼̰u̵͖̘s͇̰͓͔̞̱̻̕ͅţ̥̜̪̜͙̞̲ ̘p̴̫̙̻̘͝a̳̟͘t̷̬̳̣͕͢ͅh̜̥̺̞͕̭̤e̛͕̱͍̬̝̩͝t̵̳̝̞͈̫͇̕i̬͚̠͇̻c̗̖̰̹͞.͏̗̫ ̸̞̥̠~~ _

**~~_H͚̫̯͎͉̮͘U̵̩͜R̲̗̲̣̰T̼̣̯̲̰̤̫̭ ̰͈̫̣͔̖͕H̪͙͚̮͉͢ṴͅR҉̵̣̰̤̺̩T̷͕̖̼̖̠̜̲̹ ̹͕̳͕͔̺̮̙͝H̵̨͚͈͕̜̟̼͡U̸̠̤̞̪̟͡Ŗ̡̳̺̯Ţ͇̻͙͘ ̟̟͉͇͓͙͉̬͡H̶̷̸͍͔U̲͇̤̹̳̥͙̱͠R̶̨͔̻͇͚̟͇̳͚T̘͎̖͎̥̝̫͜͟ͅ ̞̹͜H͖̝̳̮̜̪̤͈̰U͍͚̣͔̫̯R̼͈̼͈̼͙̹͜͝T̪͙̖̹̹͖̠̘ ͇͖͚͎͙̼͉̬͝͡Ḩ̬̗U̢̖̪ͅR̡͎͕̯̕T҉͏͉̼͔͙͇̩̭̤̜ ̡̫̦̖̩̥̦͠H̟͖͈U͎̪͔̝ͅR̵̵̜̦̱̱̘̱͚̱̭T̻̥ ̖͇̥̹͚̘̦̭͠ H̵͔̫͍̣̩͍̺̞̹͕͎̫̜͆ͪ͊̒͂̐͒ͧ̅ͫ̏̃͒̽̚U̬ͪ̃ͯ̇͂͢͢_ ~~ ** **~~_̙̭̗̭̟͕̰ ̸̛͔͎̤͍͍̲͚̞̤̰̱͕͑͒̐̋̈̎̊ͩ͂̉ͤ̒ͤ̃̐̓ͨ̍͝ͅR̸̡͙̠͓͉̱͔ͬ̆̽͒̂̀ͬ̓͌ͤ̈́ͥ͒̉ͩ̍͐͆͠Ṭ̷̨̭͔̮͉̤̣͙͉̅̆̆̔̔̄̔̂ͫͭͤ̾͌̓̊̉ ̙̦̰̯̥̱̂̿̍̔ͧͧ̽͢H̡͙͕̹̟̩͙̗̥͍̰͙̤̩̫̀̓ͭͤͫ̉ͪ͞͞͠ͅ ̢͖̲̗͎̭̯̩̘̫̯̺ͩ̓̓͊̽͌̐ͦ͘͞Ṵ̶̸̸̼͇͉̙̖ͪͤ̊̾̃ͥ̀̉̃̔̀̚͠ ̴̨̛̣͙̘̹̠̹̫̄ͨ̔̑R̅̉̀̓̓̆͌̿̋͒ͨ̽ͯ̂͛̚҉͏̥͕̥̬̱̗͚̪̝ ̷̛̫̜͔̟̭̣̜̞̼̝̠͎̲̬̮̳̜̣̈̽͑̑̂̌͗̓ͥ̽͝ͅŢ̶͙̥͈̻̘̞̭̠̼͂͛ͭ͊͑̍ͮ̈́ͦ̈́ͬ̌̆̀͊̆͌͜ ̸̨̛̳̣͕͍͕͕͎̟͂ͨ̋ͣ̓ͩͨͨͬ͛̚͘_ ~~ **

As he sinks back into the past, Ethan slowly raises a hand to his mouth.

And then he screams.

> surohsopsisofclouds: "Oh no. Uh, Logan? We found a set of trigger words for Ethan. *Whispers it so Ethan doesn't hear* don't use the words "calm down" around him, ok? Those seem to be the cause of this)"

Logan stares at the bed with wide eyes as Ethan suddenly begins screaming and sobbing, profusely apologizing throughout.

“…Ah. Okay. Uh. Good… good to know.”

He didn’t really think this far ahead. None of them knew it’d be this bad. Every interaction with Ethan seems to reveal one more horrifying aspect of whatever happened during the seven months they forgot, and despite Logan’s best intentions, this is evidently no exception.

What is he supposed to do?

He doubts he can be heard without shouting, which is out of the question.

He can’t approach Ethan, either. The sight of him would be bad enough, and motion would only make it worse.

It doesn’t seem like a good idea to leave either, but out of all his options, perhaps–

_Bam!_

The sound of a head hitting wood intensifies Ethan’s bawling.

…Shit. 

Scratch that. New priority: Get Ethan out from under the bed. Regardless of his panic, or the feeling of safety the hiding place may provide, it’s far too dangerous to leave him in such a small area. With how unaware of his surroundings he’s been, there’s no telling how badly he could get hurt. Or how badly he already is hurt. He needs to check on that as well.

But the question remains: how?

> jemthebookworm: "Ethan dear heart please, can you hear us? I need you to trust me for just a bit and breathe, I promise Logan is trying to help"

“No, no, no, no, no!!” Ethan chokes out, trying and failing to lower his voice. “Shhh! Shh-shh-shh!! Please!!“

> surohsopsisofclouds: Ok, um, first, try to get a good look at him so you can tell where he's getting hurt the most. See what hit the bed, and if he's clawing at himself, and if so, where. Next: Is there a way for you to manipulate the environment a little? If so, could you make the bed move upward? If so, it'd make it so he can't hit himself on it any more, while still minimizing contact."

“I’ll do my best.”

He crawls towards the bed. “Ethan, I don’t know if you can hear me.” He raises his voice to a bit below speaking level, hoping a warning might help. “I’m going to slowly move toward the bed, and possibly into your field of vi–”

“No, no, no, no, no!! Shhh! Shh-shh-shh!! Please!!”

So perhaps speaking isn’t the best idea right now. That makes a little sense, Logan realizes.

He stays silent as he reaches the bed, and peeks under.

Ethan is writhing as though in pain with no regard for his surroundings, repeatedly colliding with the bed. He’s tightly clutching and clawing at his head and pulling his hair, and his hands are getting scratched every time they hit the bed instead of his head.

Logan summons a dim flashlight to see better, and catches a glimpse of red on the backs of his hands.

_Fuck._

The flashlight draws Ethan’s attention to him. Their eyes meet for a moment, terror for one’s own life facing terror for another’s. He apologizes over and over and over again as he recoils, continuing to bump into the bed as he tries to get away.

Logan hastily backs away the bed, forgetting to keep his movements slow in his desperation to leave Ethan’s line of sight.

“I don’t… I can summon some things, but I can’t change the environment like that. That’s Remus and Roman’s territory.”

> Anonymous: "Oh jeez. This is a very urgent matter. Could you possibly move the bed or just... Turn it into some material that won't hurt when collided with Maybe until you can actually move it? Like pillows or something"

Logan eyes the bed. “I… I don’t think I can move it enough to void the danger. Not safely. Not by myself. And I can’t do that either. Maybe… Could you please get one of the twins? I need to keep watching Ethan right now.”

> jemthebookworm: "*whispering again* sorry Ethan I forgot, but can you please stop moving? Just for a bit? You're hurting yourself and it's quieter if you don't move, please? You're doing stunningly Ethan"

Ethan tenses and gasps, “I-I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to! I’m so, so s-ssorry, sorry, sorry!” He tries to curl up into a ball, but for reasons unknown to him, he can’t succeed. The attempt only results in more pain. (There isn’t enough room under the bed. This really isn’t a good bed to be under just in general, much less during a flashback like this.)

So, as awful as it feels to do so, he grits his teeth and eventually forces himself to lie still on the ground. He trembles violently, and continues to clutch his head in a desperate attempt to shield himself. In the process of trying to gain control, he manages to decrease his cries to grunts and whimpers as well, still apologizing as much as his lungs will let him.

> kiaratale: "Roman! Remus! Whoever is closer to Ethan..! Logan needs your help with him! I don't know if Remus was closer to him, but I feel like Roman would be calmer in the situation, so one of you please help Ethan! He's unconsciously getting hurt!!""

Roman and Remus immediately halt the project they’re working on together. Roman moves to leave, but pauses, looking to Remus sadly. “Are you able to…?”

“No. No. I can’t.” Remus takes a few steps back, shaking his head. “I can’t go in there again. They’re right. You’re better. Go.”

Remus had been refusing to interact with Ethan since he first woke up. He couldn’t bear to see that fear of him again, and Roman could certainly understand why. He gives his brother a pat on the shoulder before sinking out as quickly as he can.

He rises up in the spare room suddenly enough to give himself a head rush. While trying to regain his bearings, he hears weeping coming from under the bed, and then sees Logan sitting stiffly against the wall across from it, seemingly frozen. He blinks and rubs his eyes, confused and nervous. “Lo, what… what did you do? I thought you were just bringing him food, what the hell happened?”

Logan stammers, “I- He just- He got told to-” He lowers his voice to a whisper. “He got told to calm down, and- and he started screaming. He’s been moving around and hurting himself, and- I don’t know what to do. I think he’s calmed down a bit, but we can’t let him stay under there. I think I saw blood.”

Without another word, Roman waves his hand, and the bed disappears.


	8. Chapter 8

> jemthebookworm: "*whispering* wonderful job Ethan, can you focus on your breathing for me? You need to breathe, it's okay if you move now, but breathing is good, you don't need to be sorry you're doing fantastic"

In. 

Hold.

Out. 

In. 

Hold.

Out.

Ethan gradually begins to pay attention to his breathing, and his first realization is that he’s breathing to a pattern. His second is that there’s someone counting the pattern. Who’s that?

He opens his eyes and begins to sit up, only to be blinded by light he’d been hidden from for the past few days. He raises a hand to shield his face, and notices something on the back of it.

> Anonymous asked: "Maybe cover him with a blanket? I'm pretty sure he still wants to be hidden"

The removal of the bed reveals a shaking Ethan on the ground clutching his head with scratched up hands; he doesn’t seem to have noticed that the bed is gone. 

Logan and Roman exchange a glance. What now? 

Roman thinks for a moment, and notices the blankets surrounding Ethan. He whispers, “Maybe some more blankets? He seems to like those.”

“I’m not sure. I don’t think we should risk startling him with sudden touch.” Logan runs a hand through his hair, trying to push down the fright that had frozen him. Despite his recent efforts to improve in the area, he still wasn’t exactly equipped for dealing with such intense emotions.

“Got any better ideas?”

“I nearly got him cal– uh, relaxed before this, maybe I can try some grounding techniques again.”

“There were _two_ panic attacks?! What did you _do?”_

“Shh.” Logan pointedly gestures to Ethan. “Two panic attacks, and an unknown added amount of distress in between. I’m not sure what I did to cause them, but let’s focus on Ethan for right now. Get mad at me later. Ethan?” He brings his voice back to the soft level it had been the first time. “Would you mind doing a breathing exercise again? We’ll breathe in for four counts, hold for seven, and exhale for eight. I’ll start.”

When Ethan finally seems to notice reality a bit, he begins to get up before holding a hand to his face, wincing. Roman sighs in relief, and doesn’t notice Logan’s glare as he speaks quietly. “Hey, bud, welcome back. I was wondering if you might want some more blankets? I can–”

Logan tugs at his shirt and shushes him again. “You can’t just rush him like that, idiot! We don’t know if he’s completely back yet, and we don’t need to–” 

“Uh, Logan?”

His eyes dart to where Roman’s pointing. Ethan, who hasn’t acknowledged them this entire time, is staring at his hand, his brow furrowed.

“Do you think he’s gonna…?”

“Oh, god. I hope not.”

> alexa-is-fangirl-trash: "Ethan, please don’t freak out. You knocked your hands a few times on the bed and hurt yourself a bit. The others are just here to help"

Ethan blinks repeatedly, taking a few moments to process what he’s seeing.

“Red…?”

> kiaratale: "Are the blankets still there?? Let him stay under the blankets..!"

“Red…?”

Logan and Roman exchange another glance. Roman raises an eyebrow, and Logan nods.

“Yes, it’s red because it’s blood, but we’re gonna bandage it up, and it’s gonna be okay. Do you wanna get under your blankets while we do that?”

“It’s… it’s red. My blood is red.” Ethan sits upright, speaking with hesitant certainty. “I’m not there.”

> Anonymous: "Yes Ethan, you aren't there. You are in your room, with Logan and Roman. You are here in the present"

“That’s…” Logan hesitates, not sure where to go with this. He decides to stay safe and not push it. “That’s correct, Ethan. You aren’t there. You’re here. And you’re safe.”

Ethan has begun staring at the floor, and stiffens, suddenly remembering something. 

“What about you?”

Logan nervously glances at him, then Roman, then him once more.

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“You took them, didn’t you? I… I saw you. Before I blacked out.”

“I- Let’s focus on-”

> kiaratale: ""There"..? Well don't worry- let's focus on breathing right now ok? Breath and focus on what's happening. Everything is fine."

Logan taps his fingers on the floor, forcing his voice to stay low. “Let’s focus on the present for now, okay? Right here, everything is fine. Thinking about the past probably isn’t a good idea at the moment. I don’t want you to get overwhelmed again.”

“Why are you dodging the question?”

“Yeah, why _are_ you dodging the question?” Roman tilts his head. “It’s not like it’s a secret or anything.”

“Because now is not the time to be worried about me, Roman. We don’t need yet another problem added to the mix.” Logan whispers through gritted teeth.

Ethan grows more and more frustrated. He just acted like an idiot, and he _still_ can’t look at them. But almost worse is the fact that now, Logan’s treating him like he’s a little kid because of it. He growls. “I can hear you, y’know. I’m traumatized, not deaf.” 

“And I’m not either one, because it wasn’t bad enough to do any real harm, alright? There’s your answer.” Logan snaps, forgetting himself in his annoyance. “Let’s just move on, shall we?”

> dorkyduckling16: "Yeah, it seems like there’s a more pressing matter at the moment: Deceits OPEN WOUNDS. (Apologies for raising my voice)"

Ethan instinctively flinches at Logan’s tone, and once more upon hearing h̶is͢ ̴ol͝d͜ t̢it̛l̵e.

**_.͡.̕.̡_ **

N̨o̴. He won’t break down again. He won’t. He won’t give them the satisfaction, even now that they’re gone. _Especially_ now that they’re gone. He’s made a fool of himself for them enough today.

Logan’s eyes widen as he sees Ethan double over and groan with his head in his hands. Fearing another breakdown, he lowers his voice to reassure him before it begins. “Ethan, I’m not angry at you, and you aren’t in danger. I promise. It’s only natural to be concerned about something like that, and I shouldn’t have been so sharp about it. I just… I don’t want you to be concerned about me, okay? You’re the one who needs attention right now.”

“Please just… get it over with already.” Ethan whispers as he desperately tries to keep it together, his chest heaving with the effort. “Please.”

Logan slowly stands up as guilt burns inside of him. “Okay. Let’s get you bandaged up and fed, and then we’ll leave you alone. I’m so, so sorry for all this trouble.”


	9. Chapter 9

> jemthebookworm: "*whispering* wonderful job Ethan, can you focus on your breathing for me? You need to breathe, it's okay if you move now, but breathing is good, you don't need to be sorry you're doing fantastic"

In. 

Hold.

Out. 

In. 

Hold.

Out.

Ethan gradually begins to pay attention to his breathing, and his first realization is that he’s breathing to a pattern. His second is that there’s someone counting the pattern. Who’s that?

He opens his eyes and begins to sit up, only to be blinded by light he’d been hidden from for the past few days. He raises a hand to shield his face, and notices something on the back of it.

> Anonymous asked: "Maybe cover him with a blanket? I'm pretty sure he still wants to be hidden"

The removal of the bed reveals a shaking Ethan on the ground clutching his head with scratched up hands; he doesn’t seem to have noticed that the bed is gone. 

Logan and Roman exchange a glance. What now? 

Roman thinks for a moment, and notices the blankets surrounding Ethan. He whispers, “Maybe some more blankets? He seems to like those.”

“I’m not sure. I don’t think we should risk startling him with sudden touch.” Logan runs a hand through his hair, trying to push down the fright that had frozen him. Despite his recent efforts to improve in the area, he still wasn’t exactly equipped for dealing with such intense emotions.

“Got any better ideas?”

“I nearly got him cal– uh, relaxed before this, maybe I can try some grounding techniques again.”

“There were _two_ panic attacks?! What did you _do?”_

“Shh.” Logan pointedly gestures to Ethan. “Two panic attacks, and an unknown added amount of distress in between. I’m not sure what I did to cause them, but let’s focus on Ethan for right now. Get mad at me later. Ethan?” He brings his voice back to the soft level it had been the first time. “Would you mind doing a breathing exercise again? We’ll breathe in for four counts, hold for seven, and exhale for eight. I’ll start.”

When Ethan finally seems to notice reality a bit, he begins to get up before holding a hand to his face, wincing. Roman sighs in relief, and doesn’t notice Logan’s glare as he speaks quietly. “Hey, bud, welcome back. I was wondering if you might want some more blankets? I can–”

Logan tugs at his shirt and shushes him again. “You can’t just rush him like that, idiot! We don’t know if he’s completely back yet, and we don’t need to–” 

“Uh, Logan?”

His eyes dart to where Roman’s pointing. Ethan, who hasn’t acknowledged them this entire time, is staring at his hand, his brow furrowed.

“Do you think he’s gonna…?”

“Oh, god. I hope not.”

> alexa-is-fangirl-trash: "Ethan, please don’t freak out. You knocked your hands a few times on the bed and hurt yourself a bit. The others are just here to help"

Ethan blinks repeatedly, taking a few moments to process what he’s seeing.

“Red…?”

> kiaratale: "Are the blankets still there?? Let him stay under the blankets..!"

“Red…?”

Logan and Roman exchange another glance. Roman raises an eyebrow, and Logan nods.

“Yes, it’s red because it’s blood, but we’re gonna bandage it up, and it’s gonna be okay. Do you wanna get under your blankets while we do that?”

“It’s… it’s red. My blood is red.” Ethan sits upright, speaking with hesitant certainty. “I’m not there.”

> Anonymous: "Yes Ethan, you aren't there. You are in your room, with Logan and Roman. You are here in the present"

“That’s…” Logan hesitates, not sure where to go with this. He decides to stay safe and not push it. “That’s correct, Ethan. You aren’t there. You’re here. And you’re safe.”

Ethan has begun staring at the floor, and stiffens, suddenly remembering something. 

“What about you?”

Logan nervously glances at him, then Roman, then him once more.

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“You took them, didn’t you? I… I saw you. Before I blacked out.”

“I- Let’s focus on-”

“Did they hurt you too?”

> kiaratale: ""There"..? Well don't worry- let's focus on breathing right now ok? Breath and focus on what's happening. Everything is fine."

Logan taps his fingers on the floor, forcing his voice to stay low. “Let’s focus on the present for now, okay? Right here, everything is fine. Thinking about the past probably isn’t a good idea at the moment. I don’t want you to get overwhelmed again.”

“Why are you dodging the question?”

“Yeah, why _are_ you dodging the question?” Roman tilts his head. “It’s not like it’s a secret or anything.”

“Because now is not the time to be worried about me, Roman. We don’t need yet another problem added to the mix.” Logan whispers through gritted teeth.

Ethan grows more and more frustrated. He just acted like an idiot, and he _still_ can’t look at them. But almost worse is the fact that now, Logan’s treating him like he’s a little kid because of it. He growls. “I can hear you, y’know. I’m traumatized, not deaf.” 

“And I’m not either one, because it wasn’t bad enough to do any real harm, alright? There’s your answer.” Logan snaps, forgetting himself in his annoyance. “Let’s just move on, shall we?”

> dorkyduckling16: "Yeah, it seems like there’s a more pressing matter at the moment: Deceits OPEN WOUNDS. (Apologies for raising my voice)"

Ethan instinctively flinches at Logan’s tone, and once more upon hearing h̶is͢ ̴ol͝d͜ t̢it̛l̵e.

**_.͡.̕.̡_ **

N̨o̴. He won’t break down again. He won’t. He won’t give them the satisfaction, even now that they’re gone. _Especially_ now that they’re gone. He’s made a fool of himself for them enough today.

Logan’s eyes widen as he sees Ethan double over and groan with his head in his hands. Fearing another breakdown, he lowers his voice to reassure him before it begins. “Ethan, I’m not angry at you, and you aren’t in danger. I promise. It’s only natural to be concerned about something like that, and I shouldn’t have been so sharp about it. I just… I don’t want you to be concerned about me, okay? You’re the one who needs attention right now.”

“Please just… get it over with already.” Ethan whispers as he desperately tries to keep it together, his chest heaving with the effort. “Please.”

Logan slowly stands up as guilt burns inside of him. “Okay. Let’s get you bandaged up and fed, and then we’ll leave you alone. I’m so, so sorry for all this trouble.”


	10. Chapter 10

> jemthebookworm: "*whispering* try to focus on breathing Ethan, Logan is trying to help, can you tell us 3 things that make you happy?"

“Hmm…” He ponders for a moment. “Free will. The ability to move. And the ability to think. Mostly.”

Roman, who’s been lost in thought for most of the exchange, mutters a “yikes” under his breath. Logan just rubs the back of his neck. “That’s… understandable.” He shakes his head. “Your breathing is irregular again. Would you like to do another exercise?”

“…Sure.”

Roman taps him on the shoulder before he begins. “I’ve got a question for you. Would you be able to let Ethan count himself for just a moment?”

“Ethan, are you willing and able to do so?”

Ethan begins tapping his finger rhythmically. “I think so. Four, seven, eight, right?”

“Correct.”

> surohsopsisofclouds: "Roman, what is it? And Logan, you okay(ish)?"

Logan pinches the bridge of his nose. “Out of the two of us, Ethan has it far worse off. So, relatively speaking, I’m fine.”

“And objectively?“ Roman prompts.

“A few minutes is not nearly enough to warrant this level of concern for my well-being.”

“That was still too much.” Ethan mutters, wishing for the umpteenth time that he could at least look Logan in the eyes as he spoke. “I wouldn’t wish a few minutes of that on my worst enemy.”

“Yes, but you had them for seven months, and the consequences you currently experience are obviously much more severe than mine. It’s clear who our priority should be. Speaking of which, we need to take care of you and leave before I mess anything e–” He narrows his eyes and hums with annoyance. “Before anything else happens.”

Ethan knows the meaning of the last sentence like the back of his hand, and it unnerves him all the more. If Logan’s still affected by a few minutes, how long will it take to recover from over half a year? 

How selfish. He should be more concerned about how Logan feels than the implications for himself.

Before Ethan has time to respond, Logan turns to Roman. “Ask your question, and make it quick.”

Roman reluctantly lets the subject drop in favor of a more urgent one. “What’s the best way to take care of his hands?”

“Thank god, we’re actually addressing the important things. The best way, of course, would be to transfer the mental energy needed to regenerate it. However, we would have to make up for his severe deficit first, and we don’t enough excess energy of our own to directly do so. Hence the importance of getting him fed. You know this.”

“That’s not what I–” He cuts himself off, sighing. “What’s the second best way?”

“Treat it like one would a human injury. Ensure that the wound is clean, dry, and free of debris; apply antibiotic ointment; and put a bandage on it. Typically, one would apply pressure until it stops bleeding, but we’ve taken so lo–”

Roman waves his hand without another word, and Ethan’s are immediately cleaned, disinfected, and bandaged. He winces when Ethan jerks back a bit, startled by the sudden sensation. “Sorry about that. I probably should’ve warned you.”

Ethan takes a deep breath. “Its… fine. Not the worst scare I’ve had in the past hour or so.”

> Anonymous: "Of course Ethan is currently the top priority but you should know when this is over Logan, your needs do matter and you deserve to have others care for you."

He huffs. “Emphasis on ‘when this is over’. As in, there is no need to continue harping on it right now. We _still_ haven’t given him any food, and that was the entire point of this endeavor.”

“No, no, no, the _entire_ point was to bring it to my hiding place, which doesn’t exist anymore.” Ethan gives a small chuckle, amusement briefly overcoming his unease. “You didn’t just not fulfill the plan – you _removed_ part of it in the process.”

“Wait, wait, hold up. _That’s_ what the problem was? You didn’t want to leave your hiding place?”

Is this a trick question? Is Roman angry at him for causing so much trouble because of something so small? Making a big deal out of nothing? Roman already took his hiding place, so that couldn’t be a punishment, but he could refuse to let him have another one. Ethan already feels tense after so long in the open, even when sitting against the wall. Roman could take that away too. He could take away his blankets and pillows, and everything else in the room.

But, of course, not answering would yield the same result, and lying about it would make it even worse. He knows that much. Telling the truth could at least possibly lead to Roman helping, if he wasn’t angry, so that was probably his best option. He slowly nods his head.

“Well, why didn’t you say so? I can fix that in a heartbeat! Heck, I’ll do you one better.” Roman summons a sketchbook and pencil, beaming with excitement. “How’d you like to help me design a new hiding place?”

> surohsopsisofclouds: "That sounds like a good idea to me. But what do you think about it, Ethan? And maybe Logan could get some more food for you, whatever you decide?"

For a few seconds, Ethan just stares at the ground in shock. He expected Roman to just re-summon the old bed, at best. But not only is Roman making a better hiding place, he’s letting Ethan have a say in what the hiding place even _is_. He can hardly remember the last time he had this much control over something. 

Eventually, he smiles softly. “I’d love that.”

A nigh-inaudible squeal escapes Roman. He made Ethan smile! Not just out of bitter humor like earlier, either. He made him _happy!_ A glance at Logan confirms that his heart melted at the sight as much as Roman’s. 

Logan hesitantly decides to stop putting off food first. Because as wonderful as it is that Ethan is happy, he also really needs to not die.

“I hate to put that on hold, Ethan, but would you be okay with eating beforehand?” Upon seeing Ethan’s face fall, he hurriedly follows with, “You can still do it, I promise! But if you get more energy first, you’ll feel better when you do.“

“He kinda has a point. Eating should probably come first. Ooh, wait, I have an idea!” Roman gestures a few feet away from Ethan. A table and chair appear, with opaque curtains in the style of those of a canopy bed above and around it, and fairy lights illuminating the inside. “This way, you can still have some sort of shelter while you eat! If this sort of thing counts, I mean. I can make something else if it doesn’t.”

Ethan has to restrain himself from immediately running to Roman’s creation, instead walking with what he hopes is a normal pace. He can feel a good portion of his unease dissipate as soon as he’s completely enclosed by the curtains. God, it feels good to have this sort of cover again – especially one that isn’t crammed under a bed – and now that they’re out of sight, he can finally feel comfortable with Roman’s and Logan’s presence. He giggles a bit, trying not to cry from happiness. “It’s _perfect_.”

Roman flaps his hands with joy. He made Ethan _laugh!!_ Logan, though obviously just as pleased, coughs pointedly. Oh, right. Food. “So, anything you’re craving?”

“Since we aren’t humans, there’s no need to worry about the speed of reintroducing you to food,” Logan adds. “You’re free to choose whatever you’d like.”

“Ah… I can’t say I remember how they taste off of the top of my head. I guess water would be great.” Ethan hears Roman whistle awkwardly before a large glass of water appears on the table. He slowly takes a sip, and his eyes light up.

> surohsopsisofclouds: "How does it taste, Ethan?"

The glass is finished within a minute tops. And then a second, and a third.

“Fucking _fantastic_.”

> jemthebookworm: "Maybe try some chicken soup Ethan? I'm so glad you're feeling safe"

He shrugs. “Sounds like as good a place to start as any.”

“Coming right up!” Roman waves a hand, and waits for Ethan to finish. He doesn’t have to wait very long. “Anything you want to try? Maybe something you remember liking before?”

“I think I’ll just… stick with soup right now. I’d rather not complicate it.” He could worry about the food itself when the whole starving thing wasn’t as much of an issue. It wasn’t like he was focusing on the taste enough to change it.


	11. Chapter 11

> Anonymous: "Ethan how are you feeling? *whispers to Logan* What are you going to after you get him some food?"

After consuming so much soup that his fullness rivals that of a grandchild on Thanksgiving, the effects are immediately noticeable. His energy is slowly building itself back up bit by bit, and with every passing minute, he feels a little less foggy, a little less hollow, a little less cold. A little more like himself. He hugs himself, chuckling. “I believe I almost feel better than I did _before_ the ordeal.”

Roman pumps his fist in the air. “Yes!!”

“Gah-!” Ethan quickly regains his balance after flinching, having learned from the last time he used a chair in their presence. 

Wait, what? Isn’t he supposed to be fine now?

Upon hearing Ethan and his chair, Roman winces and whispers, “I mean, yes! Are you okay?”

“Perfectly fine. I’d prefer a warning next time, though, if you wouldn’t mind.” Ethan brushes down his shirt and runs a hand through his hair, striving to keep his cheer and composure now that he’s found them again. 

“I’m sorry. I’ll be more careful.”

“Not a problem. So, about the hiding place.” He changes the topic before they can question his honesty, though the act of lying in itself is enough to put him on edge. “Is that… Can I still do that?”

Logan and Roman exchange a glance. There’s one downside to Ethan’s cover – it’s much harder to interpret his mental state when they can’t see his expression.

“Of course you can, Ethan,” Logan responds softly. “As I have achieved my goal, and I doubt I am needed for creative brainstorming, I was considering taking my leave before you do so. Do you have any preference on the matter?”

> kiaratale: "I would think of something warm and cozy that can also follow you if you decide to move, any suggestions/preferences about that, Ethan? (Apart from that, I would also recommend a table closer to the door to put the food on? Just to keep the distance or even just to not having to HAND them over directly, you know?) What do you say?"

“Well, uh…” What was the best way to put this? He can’t _lie_ about it, but he can’t outright tell Logan to leave either, can he? “I– It’s been a long– I’m just kind of– I mean, if you have something more important to do…”

Logan takes the hint. “I did have a project I was hoping to finish, so I’ll leave you to yours. Please be careful with your hands; even if your energy has been replenished, it will still take a few days for them to fully heal. It is best to keep from prolonging the process.”

“Mhm.” Logan doesn’t need to tell him that. He knows how quickly his wounds heal perfectly well.

As soon as Logan sinks out, Roman bounces on the balls of his feet and giggles with anticipation, doing his best not to be too loud about it. “Are you ready?”

A slight grin creeps onto Ethan’s face. It seems Roman’s enthusiasm is contagious. 

“I believe so.”

Roman immediately resummons his sketchbook. “So what sort of hiding place are you thinking of? The disembodied voice has some good ideas if you want a starting point!”

“Hmm… I’m not sure I need one that moves with me if I have some that are relatively easy to get to.” He flinches, quickly realizing his mistake. “I mean, one. One is fine.”

He can’t ask for multiple. That would be selfish.

“Dude, I don’t think you understand how much fun this is for me,” Roman chuckles. “I will literally make you fifty hiding places if you want, and anything else your heart desires to boot. You just say the word.”

Ethan sheepishly murmurs a “thank you”.

“No problem at all. Did you have any ideas?”

“It might be nice if we could… build off my old ones? If I remember correctly, there were three. One was a sort of half-second floor I could climb onto, and it had a bed and heating lamp. One was my wardrobe, that led to an extra room. One was my… nest, if that’s the right word. It had lower floor with blankets up to the normal floor layer to burrow under, and a bunch of hammocks that I could climb and lie in, and some ledges here and there to climb onto,” he sighs fondly. 

Ah, for the good ol’ days; when those existed, and everyone hated him, and he wasn’t traumatized.

“Good, good, nice, I like it! That does have me wondering, though.” He puts his furious scribbling on pause. “I’m absolutely cool with making these, of course. There’s no pressure either way. But since you miss your old ones, would you prefer to move back into your room?”

Ethan freezes. 

“Wait, they’re still… they’re still there?”

“I mean, you mentioned a second floor and a dresser, and I know I saw those when we–”

“And everything else too?”

“I guess so? There was a chair, and a desk, and a rug, and that sort of thing. Why, did something happen to them?”

Mother _fucker_.

-

(If my descriptions were a bit confusing, I’ve got some screencaps from the sims where I have a rough estimation of my ideas for his room under the cut.)

(the blue and green curtains are the entrance to the “nest” if it was unclear)

> jemthebookworm: "Where did you think your room was Ethan?"

“It– it was empty. They took my hiding places. They took my things. They took _everything_. Except… except my desk, of course.” His voice darkens as his initial distress gives way to bitterness. “Not that I could ever get to it.”

This is… concerning, at best. Roman briefly debates which part he should address – the nonexistence of definitely existent things, or whatever caused this inability. In the end, the latter wins over. “Why not?”

“They wouldn’t let me get that far. But god, if they didn’t let me try. Over and over again, they let me try to win their… their sick little _game_.” Ethan laughs humorlessly, anger he forgot he could think about resurfacing and loosening his tongue. “Because apparently everything else just wasn’t enough for them. Not the isolation, not the yelling, not the pain. No, no, no, they had to _toy_ with me too. They pulled every possible trick up their sleeve to make my torment worse, and worse, and worse, because there’s nothing I don’t deserve for being the fucking _monster_ that I am.” Tears begin to fall, and he can’t tell if he’s laughing or sobbing anymore. “A-and you know what the worst part is? The real kicker?”

Roman has to strain to hear his broken whispers.

“I still believe them.”

> Anonymous: "Ethan you are not in any way a monster or anything bad. They are the monsters for what they did to you"

“I… ah…” There’s a pause as Ethan’s own thoughts succumb to the ones that were shoved into his head and left to rot. When he continues, his voice is dull, his words almost recited. “I did it to myself. I put t͡h̨em̡ there, and I hurt everyone in the process. They were all better off when I was in there. It was the one useful thing I was capable of doing. If I wasn’t selfish enough to try to ruin it, it wouldn’t have hurt so much. If I wasn’t incompetent enough to keep them from remembering, they’d still be happy. Now no one is. And it’s all my fault.” 

“Ethan, Ethan, Ethan, no…” Roman heard this tone the night they lost him. Hearing it again, especially now that he’s free, is _horrifying_. “Please, you– you can’t believe that. Those are lies. You know that. I know you do.” 

“You were happier, were you not?”

Roman winces. Okay, so that part wasn’t a lie. As if it wasn’t enough that they caused Ethan’s suffering, they _benefited_ from it too. And, technically, they still were. 

“That doesn’t matter. Our feelings are no more important than yours are, and you never should have been hurt so badly for our sake.”

“I deserve it. I hurt everyone. I terrified Virgil. I killed Patton. I tormented Logan. I betrayed you. And now that I’m here, Remus is in pain too.”

 _This can’t be happening_ , thinks Roman. _Not again_.

“Ethan, stop it. Please.”

“They aren’t lies.”

“They’re exaggerations.”

“They aren’t untrue.”

“Literally only Remus’s is even _close_ to the truth.”

“You’re lying.”

“No, I’m not. Come on, Ethan, this… this isn’t you. You have to snap out of it.”


	12. Chapter 12

> Anonymous: "This isn't the most relevant but I'm really curious, so uh.... Remus, if I can get to you? Can you tell us anything about Deceit? Or what happened?"

Remus reluctantly gives a mumbled affirmation, still not letting his focus stray from his work.

> Anonymous: "How is everyone else doing with this? i know we should be focusing on ethan, but maybe checking on the others will help him."

“I don’t want to think about it any more than Thomas wanted to think about me,” Remus grumbles, refusing to look up from the work he’s immersed himself in.

-

Virgil gestures to a wall full of tally marks. “So far I’ve thought of two hundred and sixty-three horrible things that could’ve happened to him because of me.” His eyes widen, and another tally mark appears. “What if he was waterboarded?!”

-

“I’m still so _confused_. I thought I experienced exactly what he did. For less time, of course, but I still experienced it. This doesn’t make sense.” Logan paces around his room, scratching his head. “His reactions don’t make sense. His fear doesn’t make sense. I don’t understand why he can’t look at us. I don’t understand why he wants to hide. I don’t understand why his blood being red matters so much to him that it grounded him almost _immediately_.”

He stops his pacing and walks to his desk to look over his notes. “The implication here is that he was abused, physically and emotionally. But by whom? None of us did it, we didn’t even know he existed at the time. And, once again, it did not happen to me when I took everything. The emotional abuse, perhaps, but nothing physical. It doesn’t add up. Nothing about this adds up.”

-

Patton rubs his face tiredly. “I’m trying to figure out what to do with… everything. It’s been a while since I’ve felt so awful, and it’s all conflicting with each other. I screwed up and I hurt him, which means I’m a bad person, right? But if I let myself believe that, and beat myself up for it, I’m doing exactly what he was trying to stop.” He sighs. “But the only way I can find to keep myself from doing _that_ is by letting myself think of him the way I did before. That he’s a dark side, so he’s bad for Thomas, so I shouldn’t care. And that’s what he was trying to stop too!”

He plops onto his bed, groaning. “I just can’t win, can I?”

-

“Well, I was already worried about him, but, see, uh, the last time Ethan was like this, he made us forget about him for seven months.” Roman fiddles with his sash, unable to tear his eyes off of Ethan’s hiding place. “So I’m actually kind of scared now.”

> Anonymous: "REMUS! Logan did a bit of a fuck up while trying to help Deceit get food and he needs your help"

Remus finally pays more attention to you, his concern already skyrocketing. “Wait, Roman couldn’t fix it? What _happened?”_

> Anonymous: "Remus, Ethan thinks that he hurt all of you in some way. I don’t know if it would be the best thing for him if you entered, but i don’t know him well enough to make that call. if you think it would be better for him, then please do. all i ask is that you don’t decide to go simply because you want to or the other way around. Your emotions are important, but Ethan is hurting."

“Wait, no, that doesn’t answer my question. What _happened?”_ He taps his hand on the desk nervously. “Why do I need to think about it? What am I considering? What is hurting Ethan? _What is wrong?!_ ”


	13. Chapter 13

> jemthebookworm: "Oh Ethan dear heart you're not a monster, you're stunning"

“Stop… lying. Lying is wrong.”

Roman taps his hand on his leg nervously. “Ethan, I promise, she really isn’t lying. Anyone here can vouch for her, disembodied voices or not.”

“But I– I messed up. I hurt you. I hurt everyone. Badly.”

“And then you spent a really long time getting hurt even worse because of _us_. Even if you needed to… pay for it, or whatever, I think you already have.” He sighs. “I don’t know why you’re like this again. I know it wasn’t you last time, and I… This time, I don’t know if it is, or isn’t. And I’m not sure which is worse.”

Ethan furrows his eyebrows in confusion. This isn’t how it’s supposed to work. He messed up. He did bad things. Why would Roman care this much? He’s not supposed to care. He opens and closes his mouth, no response coming to mind. 

Unsure of what else he can do, Roman just lets himself ramble on, hoping against hope that something might get through. “The first time was scary enough. You sounded awful. Your voice was dry, and you were obviously exhausted. I know you didn’t sleep those past few days. Did you sleep at all afterwards?”

“I… I passed out when you found me?”

Ethan’s voice sounds a little more like his own, and Roman tries his best to focus on that victory. “I’d rather you had been able to sleep, but… I’m glad you can now, at least. I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad I can talk to you. I’m glad you can talk to me. You know you’re allowed to talk to me, right? You can tell me what’s wrong, or what’s right, or anything you want.”

“But– But I…” Ethan looks around, trying to piece this together. His voice goes back and forth between dull and normal. “It hurt you when I did. It hurt you when I told you what happened. You were worried. It was… wrong.”

Realization strikes Roman. “Is _that_ why you were trying to convince me you deserved it? So it wouldn’t hurt me to know what happened?”

…why was he doing that, again? He doesn’t _want_ Roman upset with him. He doesn’t. Why was he trying to convince him to be? Roman was _more_ worried when he did that. This wasn’t helping. Why didn’t he stop?

“They wouldn’t… _let_ me worry you.” Ethan find his voice, and tries desperately to hold onto it, to explain this, to fix it. “They made me take it back. I had to… I have to… ngh…” 

He can’t say that. He can’t tell him. That’s bad. 

Why is it bad?!

They can’t find out. He can’t find out. 

He already did!

Bad. Burden. 

Stop it!

He holds his head in his hands, fighting and losing this battle against a seven-month-long habit. His voice becomes dull again.

“It’s fine. It’s better that way. It’s better for you to be happy. That’s what matters. Not me.” 

> jemthebookworm: "Ethan worrying and being upset itself isn't bad, it's just an expression of care, they already cared about you before, the new information is just making the care visible in a different way, the information allows both of you to help each other, because as Logan always says information is the best tool, and it's more effective if you all have the most info"

“Exactly. It’s _better_ that you tell us, so we can know how to help. Because we _want_ to help you. We _want_ to take care of you. We’ve already made our decision, and no fault or failure will ever change that. Okay?”

Ethan buries his face in his arms, frustrated with how many times he’s cried today. “I’m… sorry. For all of this… mess.”

“If there’s anyone who should be apologizing, it’s me and Logan. We should have been more careful, and we will be in the future.” Roman scribbles a few reminders in his sketchbook, and takes a deep breath. “Now, _honestly,_ how are you feeling?”

“…tired.” 

“I can’t blame you; you’ve had a rough day. I wonder if…” He thinks for a bit. “Instead of working on the hiding places, would you rather I just replicate your old ones, and play with the details later?“

As fun as designing them would be, Ethan doesn’t think he has it in him to enjoy it right now. He just wants to take a nap and forget this ever happened. “Yeah. That… yeah. Please.”

“Alright. I’d need to know all the details first. Would you prefer I go and come back, or stay and have someone else check for me?” 

Ethan sighs. “Since apparently fear’s always going to be a factor, sitting alone and not knowing where or when you’ll pop up is the scarier of the two. Especially if you knock on the door.”

Funny how one little noise started all this, huh? He rolls his eyes, his weak chuckle sounding more like a growl.

Curse whatever god set it all up this way. 

Could he not have just eaten and been done with it? Was that too much to ask?

He hears Roman finishing a sentence, accidentally having tuned it out. “Uh… what was that? Sorry.”

“You’re okay. I was asking if you had a preference of who it was. It’ll be quick this time, I promise.”

Well, if he’s already stuck talking with everyone, he may as well make some use of it. “Remus. At least then _someone_ might feel better by the end of the day.”

Roman hesitates for a few seconds. “…If that’s who you’d prefer, then okay.” He turns to you, the invisible disembodied audience, somehow. “Would you mind seeing if Remus is… able to come?”

> jemthebookworm: "You know if not seeing who is outside is the problem maybe you could make your door out of 1 way glass, or make a window"

“That isn’t– Oh. If he were to come in through the door, you mean. Instead of rising up again. Right. That might work then, I think.”

“You did say something about knocking on the door,” Roman points out. “Was that… not what you were expecting?”

Ethan rubs his face wearily. “I guess not? Logan knocked, you rose up, I guess I just thought you’d do the same thing again.”

“Ah. So Logan _did_ fuck it up. Gotcha.” He takes a couple more notes.

“Wait, I mean… he couldn’t have known I’d react like that.”

“He still should have been more careful. Him not knowing doesn’t change the fact that you were hurt, and you’re _allowed_ to be upset about that.”

Oh yeah. That was a whole thing like, a few minutes ago, wasn’t it?

“Ah. Right. Uh, thanks.”

An idea hits Roman in the head like a morning star after a sleepless night, except in a good way. Or so he hopes. 

“Well, are you?”

“…Am I what?”

“Are you upset at him?”

Ethan hesitates, mentally repeats Roman’s earlier reassurance, and takes a deep breath. “I guess I’m… a little frustrated, to say the least.”

“There ya go!” Roman chuckles. “Anyone else you’re mad at? I wanna hear all about it!”

Well, if he _wanted_ to hear it, Ethan would hate to disappoint.

“Um… Patton. I didn’t want to talk to him, and he made it worse.”

“How’d he make it worse?”

“He reached toward me, and it… startled me.”

“That _bastard!_ Who else?”

Ethan giggles a bit. This is way easier with Roman’s enthusiastic encouragement. “Virgil. He was in my face when I woke up, and he took forever to leave.”

“Tsk, tsk, a classic case of douchey-ness. Who else?”

“Remus, kinda,” He groans. “I feel worse because I know he took this really personally, even though it isn’t just him I can’t see. Ah– please don’t tell him I said that.”

“Honestly, I get that, man. I’d do the whole motion with zipping my mouth and throwing away the key, but you wouldn’t see it, so just know I won’t tell a soul. What about me? Anything you’re mad at me for?”

Ethan can’t help but hesitate. What if he upsets Roman?

Expecting this sort of reluctance, Roman keeps his voice a bit gentler to reassure him once more. “You’re safe here, I promise. It’ll take more than a little jab at me to rile me up. Now come on, spill the tea! I’m dying to know!”

“Well… You didn’t warn me when you conjured the bandages.” He huffs, emulating Roman’s dramatics. “Scared the shit out of me.”

“Yes! That’s what I’m talking about!” Roman laughs victoriously, and Ethan can’t help but join him. “How’d it feel to speak your mind?”

“Pretty… pretty great, actually.” Ethan realizes with relief that he’s still, relatively speaking, emotionally intact. “Thank you.”

“No, no, thank you! I loved it, spectacular performance all around!” Roman claps proudly.

Ethan snickers. “Oh no, my bad. I forgot you’re supposed to bow at the end of a show. I’ll try again.” He stands up and bows dramatically. “Thank you, thank you, thank you for your applause!” 


	14. Chapter 14

> jemthebookworm: "Hey Rem? You there? Ethan is asking for you, and if you could knock *and* walk through the door that'd be pretty rad"

“…Record scratch?” Remus freezes, his shock temporarily outshining his anxiety. “He’s… asking for me? He _wants_ me there? Uh… Okay! Alright!”

He takes a deep breath to compose himself, sinks down, and appears in front of the door to the spare room. “That is an oddly specific request, but to be fair, that’s right up my alley. Here goes!”

He raises a hand to the door with a flourish.

> kiaratale: "You should do it more often Ethan! It doesn't have to be as much as this time (?), but you should give voice to your concerns and complaints! A bit at a time! 💕"

“I… Yeah. That’d be great, if I wasn’t such a coward about it.”

_Knock, knock, knock!_

Startled, Ethan takes a step backward and trips over his chair. “FUCKING CHRIST, CAN I PLEASE GET A GODDAMNED WARNING FOR THESE THINGS ONCE IN A WHILE?!” 

He slaps a hand to his mouth, and a few seconds of fear pass before he rolls his eyes. He drops his hand and picks himself up with a sigh. “Come in.”

> Anonymous: "Ethan, Remus is about to knock and come through the door. i just wanted to warn you so you weren’t surprised by it."

“…Thanks.” He sits back down, trying to find the best position to avoid another fall. “Better late than never, I guess.”

Remus enters, making a significant effort to be gentler. “I heard a crash, are you okay? Are you hurt? Sorry, I should’ve been quieter, I didn’t mean to scare you, I can go if–”

“Remus, give him a chance to respond, will you?” Roman runs a hand through his hair, trying to play off his annoyance to some extent. Was this how Logan felt when he joined the party?

Between his fatigue, his frustration, and his relative safety, Ethan’s beginning to find it a bit harder to care about his words. What’s the worst that’s gonna happen, he’ll feel forced to take them back? Roman was just encouraging him to talk about it, so it’d be worse to let him down than to worry about worrying him anyway, right?

He throws up his hands in exasperation. “You know what? I’ve been startled so many times today that I may as well start rating them. On a scale of least to most frightening, I’d have to place that one somewhere in between Roman’s bandages and Logan’s knocking. I’ll give you a C for ‘could have been worse.’”

“Bandages? Wh– So you _were_ hurt? What happened? I can’t see you, do you still have your hands? Are your kneecaps intact? Your eyeballs? Did you get burnt? Did you get stabbed? Who did it? I swear to god, if someone hurt you, I’m gonna fucking murder them.”

“Please, I haven’t been stabbed in over a month, I’ve got a new record going for me these days. This wasn’t nearly that bad.” He shrugs. “The one at the top of the scale made me forget I was here and I scratched my hands up. But then that exact thing made me remember again, so it all worked out in the end.”

“What do you _mean_ you’ve got a new record for not being stabbed?!”

Roman frantically waves his hands in an attempt to shut Remus up. “Nope, nope, not now, we can worry about that later. Ethan’s had a long day, and I was going to ask that you go to his room and take a look at his old hiding places. I’m going to recreate them for him, so I need to know the details.”

“Wait, then why doesn’t he just go back to his room?”

“I don’t know. We didn’t get that far, and that one’s on me. Ethan?”

Ethan takes a few moments to consider. “I… I’m really not sure how I feel about it if my stuff’s in there, and I don’t know if I want to find out today. I’ve already learned loads about how I react to just you guys. I highly doubt you’re any more thrilled to keep learning than I am.”


	15. Chapter 15

> Anonymous: "that’s okay ethan, feel free to get some rest or do something to calm down a little. if you want to stay awake, that’s okay too. sadly, remus should probably check in on your old room."

calm down .

.

c a͡ l ͝m̴ .

. d ̧ ͝o͞ ̵w ̛n͟

.

**c̵̛̞̟̺̟̯̟̻̤̳͘͟͡** .

. **a͡҉̰̬̖̲**

. **l҉̨̛̮̖̻̫̜̜͉** .

**m̡̻̰̱͔̬** .

.

. **d͏͜͏̨͈̹̲̖͕̦̮̪̦** .

.

. **o̷̶̡̥̝̗̲͈̞͘** .

.

. **w̴̨̥̱̫̖͎̦̲̳̞̗̕** .

.

. **n͈͔̳̞̫̩͟͠** .

“No, no, no no NO NO NO NO NO!!”

Ethan clutches his ears and doubles over, curling in on himself.

_~~A͏w̢̡,҉҉̛ ̶͠~~ **c̝̻͛̂̓͢͟a̷̎҉̤̩͕͓ͅḻ̠͙̳͕͕̮̎͌ͭͩ͜m̴̵̡̗͓̟̝̖ͭ͂ͪͭ̓ ̴̹̱͖͙͚̱̙͊̓̚̕͢ͅͅd̸̴͚̞̫̠̍͋͛ͦͫ͋ͦ̚ͅo̳̱̙̹̲͖̣͎̊͊̏͆ͨͥ̽̆͝w͖̙̻̬ͩͨ̅̆͗͒͞nͦ̇͆҉̵̜̩͍̳͓ͅ** ~~,͟͝k͞i͢͡d̴͘d͡o̕,͘͝ ̧̡~~_

_~~it͝’͏s͢ ̴̨̨j̕u̡̢͟st̵̸ ͟a̛ ̧̕l͘i̵͢͠t͝t͜͞ļ͜e̕ ̨͜b̷͝r̨͡ư͠i͏͟s̡e!̨̛~~  
_

_~~G̨ơ̷o̡͢d͠ ͜gr̢i̴̧e̕f̷,̡͡ ҉w͠͡ou̸͞l̷͢d y̸͢ou̴͢͏~~_

_**~~c̊͆̋̊͂҉͉̦̪͍̪a̧̘͍̞̐̓ͣ͂̓̽͑͛ͬ͠l̳͙̭̾̉m̉͛ͭ̾͌͟͞͏̭̳̻̙͙̼ ̳̪͚̲̥͔̙͉͛͂̔̉̒͊̚͘d̢̛͇̭̺͚̾͋o̅ͣ͆҉͓͙̺̫̮̦̕w̟̫̖ͪ̉͒͘͞ń̵̛̺̟̞̖͉̻͈̣ͯ~~** ~~f͢͡o͠r̵̡ t͠w̢̛o ͟͝s̕e̛͠c҉͘͡o̷͟n̸̨ds̸?~~  
_

_~~Yo͝͏u̵͡’̴͝͡r̕e͟͢ ͡h҉u̸̵̡r̸҉t̸̨͏i̡͢n͢g̸ m͜͠͞y ͝͞e̛͠a̸r͘͝s.҉~~  
_

“STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT! PLEASE!!”

His shouts of anger quickly become shrieks of fear as he loses his grip on reality once more.

_**~~C̈ͪ҉̲̪̠̺̗̭ą͈̭̼͕͍̞͒͑͑ͭͥ̎̏̇̚ͅl̻͍͎̜͛͆ͣ̂̾͡m̋̾͏̢͈̹̺̤̯͘ ̶͖̦̯͖̼͛̇ͥ̏̃͞ͅḑ̨̪̰̦̇̄̊͋͌̉o̴̸̰̫͕̪̗̦͓͒ͯ́w̨͕͍̒̚͡n̷͓̫͚̫̆̓~~** ~~, ̢D͡ec͟e̶͘i͜t̢!̵ ̧~~ _

_~~S̸͟͝t̢o͝p̵ ̕͝l̢͠y͠i̧͜n̶g͏ ͢a̡̛͝b̛͡o̷u҉̢t̴͞͠ ̶a͏ ͏͢~~  
_

_~~t̸͜i͠n̴͘y̵̧ ͏̨f̵̡u̶͝c̨҉k҉͞i̸n͢g ҉̡̛scr̨̨a̴tc͢h҉!̸~~  
_

_~~Yo͘u҉͝’͜r̛e҉ ̧o̸͏̴v͏e͏r͘r̷͢e̸a̴̡ct̴̨͞i̢͏҉n̷͟ģ̛ ̶̵̧~~ _

_~~a̵n͞d͡͏ ̷͠y̧o҉҉u̢ ̸̛k̸n͢ow̕ ͏i͝t͡!̶͞͠ ̸  
~~ _

_~~**C̵̛̮̰̠̫̖̦̾ą̣͍̪̬̣̜̳͇ͯͪḷ̩̭̥̭̖͉ͩ͗͑̒͘m̗̂̍ͪ̃̚** t̴̵h̵e ̵̨fu̸̕c͞k͜ **d̡͙͍̗͚͎̖͒ͪǫ̷̧̣͙͙̆̐̅͌̑w̧͇͉̣̗̪̩̲ͥ̃̉̚n̠̺̔̑ͦ͐͗͌̚!**  
~~ _

“I’M SORRY! I’LL BE BETTER! I’LL STOP TRYING! I’LL STAY! I PROMISE!!”

_~~D̴͜͜o͏͡͝n͏̶͜͜’̷̴̡͠t̨͘ ̵҉̷̡͟f̵̨҉͘u̵̶̢͘̕ç͢͠͡k͞i̴̷͘n̛g̨͘͜ ̴͢͞͠l͏͘͜i̢̛e̢͘ ̴̧͞t͘͝o͠ ̷̴̢̡͢m̴̴͞͡ę҉̡,̨҉̨͡͞ ̡͝Ḑ̢̕e͘͜͟c̨̡͝͞ȩ̷i͏̵̕͟͡t̛͢!̷͡~~ _

_~~Y̡ơ̛̛͜͝u̷̕͟͢ ̸̸̵̛a҉̵̷͟n̡̕ḑ̴ ̶͟͡I҉̷͞҉̸ ̨̧͜b͘҉o̧͜͝t͠͝͡h̡͢ ̧̕͠k҉n̵̸o̶͢w̕ ̕͜y̴̡̡͟o̡͘͜͞u̵̧̡'͏̵̢͝r̸̕͟e̵̛͝͞͡  
~~ _

_~~̶̶͡n̵̷͘o͢͡͏҉̡ţ̵̛ ̴c̛a͏̢͞p̶̧̕͝a̶̧͢҉̸b̡͟l̡͝e͘͘͟͏̨ ͞͞o͡f̶͞ ̨̡͘͠b̴̢e͠į̶n̶̶̶ģ̢͢ ̢̕͠͡͞b̵̧͘͢͡e̢̢͢͜͞t͏̢͢t̶̶̴̕͡e͏̶r̢͝!̵̛~~ _

_~~**H̡̙̩͍͔̺̮̳̹̿͌ͤͬU̧̱̳̠̪͖͊͗̂ͅŖ̺̤̌̀ͯT̛̞̬̝͖͑̀ ̧̫̘͎̻̥͚̤̤ͨ͛ͣ͠H̱͇̦͔ͯ́U̻͍̺͇͍̗ͭ̊͌͂̾ͣ́͑ͅṘ̶͈͙͂͘T̮͓̫͙̠͕̰̬̔̌̓̒̐͂ͤͅ ̭̗̱̜̝̠̖ͤ͐̽ͯ̓̉͆H̵̛͉̣̫͉̜̼̞̆͛ͦ̽̆̓̚ͅU͇͎̳̻̥̥̻̝ͩͪ̏̄͒ͧͤ͘R̷̨͎̭̠̟̥̓ͫ̍ͩ͂̇̈̐̃͝T̴̫̦͕̱͋̓ͩ͆̅ͭ̍ͮ̽ ̸͊̇̕҉̹̭̞̱̳̳H̛͎̞̲̖̮͓̦̗̅ͧ̋̽͑ͅƯ̡͈̖̝̩ͥ̂R̴͙͙͍̯̗ͧ̎̋̔͆̔Ţ̜̮̖̮ͭ̀̉̆̀͞ ̘͚̪̪͕̬̪͊̓̊ͥ̚H̼̥͉͔̬͖͎̥̮̉ͩͭ̀̃ͯͧ͟U͉̣͎̙ͨ̈́ͨ̐̋ͬ͡R̫̰͎͈͙̳̞̄̅̑͐͘͠ͅT̞̪̞̱͓̲̪̎̑̇̾ ̞̬̺͍̒͗̽͆͆̊̏̾͢ͅḤ̞̳̮̞͙́̓ͦ̑̾̚Ű̡͍̼͉̮̋̍̈ͦ̚Ŗ̙̠͈̼̃ͯͯͪ̈́̇ͩ̋͜ͅT̮̼̰͎̳̱ͮ̈ͣ̉̏͌͗̕͢ ̴̯̩̟̮̜͖͎ͬͥ̓̿̔̽̆͒ͯ͡H͔̫͓̦͇͙͓ͪͣ͒͊͂̑Û̮̯͙̥̿ͫ̄̐͜R̜̹̫͙͉̳͛̈́͊̃ͩͅT̷̵̠̪̫̼̣͂́ͣ͗ͪ͐ͨ̊͟ ̴͚̰̌ͬͪͫͫ̂͝H̷̢̝̦̹̬͇̞̲̎͌̽ͬ̒͋̚ͅͅU̺͖̭̥̩̼͎͈̇ͤͮ̆ͮ̅́͢R̶̢̳͓̯͎̣͍̖ͬͥͦŢ̸̟͎͈̹̜ͤ̈͠ ̸̢͇̜̯͉͉̹̫͓͉ͣ͑͐̿͑ͤ̓͡Ḩ̨̻͇̎̏ͦ̾ͭ̉͌͡Ū̫̗̫͚̪̦̯ͦ͝R̡̗̞ͭ͑̂͊̆̈́T͊̀̅̎̓ͬ͛͏̧̖͕̙̞͔͍ ̟̱̺͍̹̦̳ͣ̆̃ͥ̉Ȟ̵̤͎̠̝̞̮̹͗̄ͤ́͌̇U͇̘͓̤ͭͪ͂̑̋R̨̝̜͚͚̗̼͎͍ͬͭT̹̪̖̼̺͈̬̦ͫ́̈ ̲̞̳̟̐H̭͙̗̻̟̗͍ͦͧ̐̾̿͜͡U̵̧̫ͫͭͨ͐R̘̪ͪ̇͜͡T͇̼͛̄**  
-~~ _

“Why would you say that?!” Roman hisses through gritted teeth, barely audible to you and Remus over Ethan’s screams.

“What’s happening to him?!” Remus starts to rush towards Ethan, but Roman grabs his arm to hold him back. He struggles for a few seconds before summoning his morning star and holding it up threateningly. “Let go of me! Let me help him!”

“Be quiet, and don’t you dare hit me with that thing. He’s having a flashback. If he’s afraid of looking at us normally, what the hell makes you think it’s a good idea to make him do it now?”

Remus hesitates, his wide eyes darting back and forth between his brother and the curtains, before giving up. He gets rid of his morning star and lowers his voice to match Roman’s volume. “Then what are we supposed to do? Just leave him like that?”

“I… I don’t know. Let’s at least start with this.” Roman waves his hand, and Ethan’s table set-up vanishes. Curtains section off his quarter of the room, and the walls and floor are replaced with extra soft mattresses. Pillows and folded blankets line the bottom edges of the curtain inside, as a semi-barrier in case Ethan strays too far. “If nothing else, he won’t hurt himself again this way.”

> Anonymous: "*Stares at the word kiddo for a good few hours.* So Patton, do you know anything about what happened to Ethan?"

Patton looks confused. “Not more than anyone else here does, kiddo. I tried to talk to him about it, but I didn’t get much. Something about being forced to dwell on what he did to me? And just… more proof that he’s afraid of us, for some reason. Or at least looking at us. He acts like we’re going to hurt him, and I don’t know why.”

> jemthebookworm asked: "Oh Ethan, Ethan please focus on me, you're not there anymore, I promise you're not there anymore, can you tell me one thing you can feel? What's under you? You're doing fantastic"

“Sh– AHH!” 

The chair under Ethan disappears, and he’s falling…

falling…

falling…

~~_crash crack bang_~~ Plop!

~~_hard bruise break_~~ Soft.

…soft?

He slowly, slowly, runs a hand over the mattress to confirm.

_soft soft soft comfort soft need need need soft comfort comfort need keep soft comfort need keep keep keep_

He immediately clings to the mattress with all his might, repeatedly whimpering, “Please, please, please, please, please, please, please…”

Please don’t be taken away.

Please don’t leave.

Please stay.

Please stay.

> surohsopsisofclouds: "The soft stuff isn't going away, it's yours, you're not there, you'll be ok, Ethan. Can you tell us 5 things you can feel?"

“Mine…?” Ethan stops and stares at the mattress for a minute or two as though waiting to be disappointed. When nothing happens, he clings to it once more, whispers of gratitude and tears of joy intermingling with his pained sobs. 

Right now, he can’t remember the last time something this good happened to him.

It takes a bit for the second sentence to register, and he jumps into a protective position when it does, hoping against all hope that he can keep from losing the softness for taking too long. Even if this effort is just as futile as the rest of them, maybe he’ll manage to get a few more precious seconds with it before it’s gone.

“Sssorry, sorry, I’m sorry,” he chokes out. “I, uh… I feel the soft. A-and I feel… Um…” 

What else _is_ there? He can’t seem to think about anything besides this delightful, now almost foreign, sensation. And to be honest, he doesn’t really _want_ to think about anything else. He doesn’t want to think about the pain he knows is still there. He doesn’t want to think about his cold, empty room. He doesn’t want to think about the hatred tangled around and within him, or the loved ones who can’t remember him, or the hell he’s doomed himself to for an eternity. He wants to drown himself in the overwhelming bliss the softness provides, and forget about everything else around him until it’s all gone.

But… it won’t be gone. It won’t ever be gone. And even if he does, somehow, succeed in fully tuning them out, they’ll just take the softness away. They might even count it as some sort of escape. No, not might. They _will_ , and all the softness in the world won’t be enough to distract him then. He can’t risk that.

Focus, Deceit, focus! Time is running out! 

What else is here? He tries to feel around with his hand to find out.

He feels the softness. One.

Moving his hand is a feeling in itself. Two.

His sleeve brushes his hand when he moves it. Three.

His sleeve also brushes a… bandage on his hand? Even if he had access to bandages, there’d be no point in using them. So how did that get there? 

Don’t waste time figuring that out. Four. 

And now that he thinks about it, the bandage is sort of itchy. Five.

“I-I feel something soft, and my hand, and my s-s-ssleeve, and a bandage, a-and an itchy feeling.” He rushes to convey this information, hoping to make up for lost time. “Sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry, I didn’t– didn’t mean to take so long, I’ll do better next time, I promise, I promise, I will.”

> jemthebookworm: "No need to panic Ethan you're doing amazing, you're not in trouble we just want to help, there's no time limit, let's focus on breathing so we can sort your thoughts okay heart?"

“Really? You’re– you’re sure?” Just in case, he waits a couple more minutes before he lets himself lie back down, curling into a ball and running his hand back and forth over the mattress. “Thank… you. Thank you. Yes. Breathing. I’m breathing. I can breathe. Good. Breathing is good.” He takes a deep breath and heaves a sigh of relief. He’s earlier than he thought. 

> surohsopsisofclouds: "You're doing so well, Ethan. Good job. That was perfect, take your time. Could you tell me 4 things you can see? Again, take your time. We have all the time in the world."

He takes another deep breath, and forces himself to pay more attention to his surroundings. What even _is_ this soft thing, anyway? It’s covering the floor and the walls. That’s… odd. 

“I see… something? I don’t know what it is, but I– I do see it. It’s the soft thing. There’s a lot of it. And there’s curtains. And a bunch of… pillows… and blankets.” He eyes them tentatively, aching to gather each and every one of them into a burrow of comfort and safety, but… 

All of them are easily within reach, and he has more than enough strength to get to them. That’s far, far too good to be true. Not that he can tell the difference, but he’s learned by now that “lie” is the safest assumption until he figures out what’s going on. And right now, he doesn’t even know where to start. He’s near a wall, in a comfortable, enclosed space, so this can’t be his room. But he was just there. How is he suddenly somewhere else? And this doesn’t look like any other room he can remember either. None of this makes sense.

“…Where am I?”


	16. Chapter 16

> Anonymous: "You're in a space Roman made for you, it's okay. Nothing to worry about."

“I am? When did he do that?”

Roman finally speaks up after listening along with Remus, both more worried than they thought they could be about this. “A few minutes or so ago. I didn’t want you to hurt yours–“

“I don’t want to hurt you either!” Remus wails, unable to keep his outburst, well, _in_ , any longer. “I will disembowel anyone who even threatens you and hang them with their own innards!”

“That’s… one way of putting it, but yeah. Even if anyone here wanted to hurt you, I’ve got a sword, and Remus has a morning star! They wouldn’t stand a chance against us! So you’re safe n–”

“And you literally cannot fuck it up! Even if you tried to burn us alive! Well, okay, we might be a little upset then. But as long as you don’t do something like that, you’re fine!”

Roman clears his throat loudly, glaring at Remus. “ _Speaking_ of fucking things up – and thank you for your interruption, Remus, and for making me have to think up a new segue – it’s not just that you can’t mess up enough to make us hurt you. You can’t mess up enough to lose comfort, or love, or happiness, or anything else like that either. And speaking of _comfort_ , what I was going to say earlier – thank you again, Remus – was that you can use as many of the pillows and blankets as you want. I made them specially for you!” 

He can immediately hear shuffling and whispered “thank you”s as Ethan presumably takes him up on his offer, and sighs. “You really don’t have to thank me for this, dude. You deserve way more than just pillows and blankets, and I’m really sorry for making that such a… a _luxury_ for y–”

“No, no, hang on, shut the fuck up!” Remus resummons back his morning star and wields it more dramatically than menacingly. “Hell help me, if you talk like that again, I will bash your head in and rewire your smushed brain to make you stop blaming yourself!”

There’s a momentary pause as they stare each other down, Remus daring his brother to object, before Roman gives in. “Fine, sure, whatever. But either way, I’m not going to let that happen ever again. You have my word.”

“And mine! You have lots of my words! You can take your pick! I’ve got butt–”

“And I’m gonna stop you right there! Love ya, bro, but holy shit, shut up.”

“Alright, but do you mean love as in family love or love as in–”

_“Remus!”_

> kiaratale: "*whispers to Remus* what's up with the "luxury" thing..? Is that another trigger?"

“Nah, but you could say Roman bashing himself like that is a trigger for my lust for blood!” Remus crosses his arms and sticks his tongue out at Roman.

“Wh- Look, I- Remus–” Indignant and largely unintelligible sputters spout from the latter for a few seconds before he takes a breath to compose himself. “What do you expect? You know what I did!”

“And you know what I did! But I’m still–”

“–Blaming yourself as much as I am! You’re just better than me at covering it up!”

Narrowing his eyes, Remus growls, “Well at least I’m not flaunting my shame around when Ethan already thinks it’s his fault!” He jabs his finger into Roman’s chest. “If you feel so awful about it, then at least have the decency to leave that shit outside the door! I don’t know how _I’m_ suddenly the decent twin now, but I guess you’re just setting the bar real fucking low these days, aren’t you?”

> jemthebookworm: "Hey Ethan, feeling better? Don't worry about the twins, they're not upset or mad, just worried"

“I think I will in a–” He freezes when one raises their voice, nearly dropping the bundle of blankets he’s carrying in the process. After staring in their direction for a few seconds, he shakes his head and continues on with his endeavor. 

Little by little, every blanket and pillow in his space is gathered into a giant nest of comfort and safety in the corner. He throws the last of them on top with a flourish, and takes a moment to dramatically dust off his hands before joining them. Once he’s nestled inside as snug as could be, he hums contentedly. “I’m feeling _much_ better now.”

> Anonymous: "Good job, Ethan! Just relax. Everything is okay."

“Mmmmmm.” He hugs a pillow tightly, cherishing the comfort it provides. Ever so gradually, his breathing is steadied, his fear is soothed, and he feels much more grounded in the present. The comfort no longer feels quite so luxurious, but it’s more than welcome nonetheless. He finds himself drifting off…

> Anonymous: "BOO!"

He jerks upright with a start, and roars, “Can I not have one second of peace without your constant screaming?!” before immediately slapping a hand to his mouth. A myriad of emotions flies through him – terror, rage, pain, hatred – and he buries his face in his pillow to drown them all out.

Soft. Good. Staying. Here.

He attempts to let that softness overwhelm him again, hoping with all his might that it can whisk him away as easily as it did when he was stuck in the past. Maybe if he tries hard enough, he can smother out the memories entirely, and replace them with this coziness.

Wait. Smother?

He can’t breathe again.

How long will it take to heal this time? This seems somewhat less serious than the last one, so perhaps not quite as long.

Ah, well. It doesn’t really matter, does it? He’ll survive. He always does.

His grip on consciousness fades, and soon enough, that on his pillow does too. It falls from his face just enough to allow air flow.

Huh. That was much faster than he expected.

Where is he? This isn’t his room.

…Oh. 

That wasn’t them this time. 

Ethan backs away from the pillow, horrified. He already knew by now that he can slip back into stages of fear, or anger, but acceptance? He hadn’t considered that. Now that he has, a new type of fear settles in. Perhaps it benefitted him then, but such tolerance could be _deadly_ now. He got lucky this time. He has to be more careful.

He shakes an unsettling thought from his mind. 

Yes, he _does_ have to be more careful. And he _will_ be.

> Anonymous: "Hey Remus and Roman? Want to help me fight the anon that said (the words that shall not be repeated) to Ethan?"

Remus perks up. “Hey, you’re right! As surprising as it may be, there _is_ someone who’s more of an asshole around here! Lucky you, Broman!” He gives a cheeky grin as Roman flips him off. “May I ask, though, which words, exactly? They said a lot of them.”

Despite the creative sides being the only ones fluent in unlearned languages, Roman whispers as quietly as he possibly can, “…tranquilízate.” 

“Aw, come on, _dearest brother of mine_ , you know I don’t speak your sappy romance-y language. Translate!“

“Yes, you do! You were doing it the other day!”

“You’ve got no proof! Now come on, try again.”

“Are you really going to keep up this stupid debate _now_ of all times?”

~~_**BOO!**_~~ “Only if you do!”

_**“Can I not have one second of peace without your constant screaming?!”** _

…Shit. The twins had entirely forgotten about Ethan’s presence in the heat of their argument, despite it being about him in the first place. They come to an unspoken truce, and a heavy silence lingers for a minute or so until Remus tentatively breaks it. “I’m sorry, Ethan. Would it be better for us to leave?”

No response.

He and Roman exchange a glance before he tries again to get his attention. “Ethan? Are you alright?”

Nothing.

Remus shrugs awkwardly. “Maybe he fell asleep…?”

“After yelling at us? Really?”

“Well, okay, fine. If you don’t want optimism, I’ll give you all the worse possibilities instead. He could have had his brain eaten. He–”

Roman holds his hand out tiredly. “Just… shut up, Remus. Be useful, or shut up.”

“I don’t see you doing anything useful, fuckwad.”

“This is not the time to fight even more, dipshit.”

“You started it!”

“And I’m going to end it! Don’t you think we should focus a little more on–”

He’s cut off by desperate gasps for air coming from Ethan’s space, and the two drop their argument once more to dash towards him. They stand right outside the curtain, ready to burst in. “Ethan? Are you okay? What’s going on?”

There’s a few more tense seconds of silence while Ethan catches his breath before he responds uneasily, “Everything’s… everything’s fine. It’s fine. I’m fine.”

> jemthebookworm: "You know if you're tired Ethan you can get some rest, you or we can tell the twins to go"

Ethan can’t speak for a moment as it fully sinks in – He can _die_ now. The concept of death was once as coveted as comfort, perhaps, but that is no longer the case. He wants to experience the freedom he’s finally regained, to talk with the people he’s missed, to cherish this comfort and warmth. But all it takes is one slip-up, and it’s gone for good.

How do you cope with that? How do you live with the constant threat of oblivion, something so… permanent? It doesn’t just wear off. It doesn’t get better. You can’t recover from it, and you can’t heal from it. It happens, and it ends there. It’s done. And it could happen at any time. 

Hell, he doesn’t even know what it’ll take anymore. It only took a few minutes for the lack of air to nearly knock him out. A few _minutes_. If he doesn’t remember what his limits are, he can’t do anything to prevent it. And despite all this, there’s a piece of him that doesn’t even _want_ to prevent it, and that’s almost the worst part.

What do you do with that? 

He runs a shaky hand through his hair and tries to concentrate enough to find the words to respond. “…Yeah. Rest. Yes. Good idea. Thank you. Yes. Rest. I– I will rest.”

> Anonymous: "ah...ah...ah-CHOO!"

Ethan’s eyelids begin to flutter. It’s all so _much_. The dizziness from his near-suffocation has been growing, and his head feels too full, but too light all at once. In a daze, he mumbles a “Gesundheit” under his breath and curls up inside his nest once more. He makes sure to keep the pillow he’s cuddling away from his face, and tries to check for anything else that could cause another accident, but it’s all getting so… blurry. He can’t seem to focus on it. He can’t seem to focus on anything. And before he knows it, everything goes black, and there’s no need to.


	17. Chapter 17

> jemthebookworm: "Hey Double Trouble he's asleep so it's time to go, please be quiet when you leave he needs the rest, we'll be sure to keep an eye on him"

Roman casts his eyes down. One would think he’d know to watch his mouth by now. Yet here he is, carelessly yelling in front of the very side he’d caused to be most affected by it. While he’s asleep, no less. What a _hero_. “…Right. I need to take care of something first, though. Remus–”

“I was right! He was asleep!” Despite Remus’s own shame, he can’t help but quietly gloat.

“But he wasn’t when you–” Roman cuts himself off before he gets carried away again. “I’m not doing this, Remus. Get out.”

“Sorry, I just–”

“I don’t care. Get out.” 

“But what about you?”

“I’ll be out in a second, but I’m going to finish the one thing you were supposed to do here.”

“I can still–”

“No. You had your chance, and then you lost it, so I’m doing it myself.” He clenches his hands into fists, too upset to care that he’ll regret this later. “The last thing I need right now is a annoying little loudmouth waking Ethan up before I’m done. So just shut up and get out already, would you?”

Remus flinches, not sure whether he’s more startled by Roman’s comment, or how much it stings. One would think he’d know how to tune that out by now, but it seems he’s gotten a little rusty. He opens his mouth to respond, closes it, and sinks out without a word.

> jemthebookworm: "Hey Remus, you alright?"

“Eh, just let my guard down too soon. Should’ve known better!” Remus starts haphazardly twirling around his room, hoping the momentum and dizziness will help push it all a little further back. “Sure, we spent seven months working together and bonding and shit, and then a month keeping each other sane after remembering how bad we fucked up, but old habits die hard, I guess! Even if he doesn’t _hate_ me, I’m still the bad one. So it’s fine for him to take everything out on me when he needs to get mad at someone other than himself. I didn’t expect it to hurt that much, though. Oh well!”

He holds his arms out and falls backwards onto the floor, laughing with much less mirth than he’d like. “I’ll put up with it anyway so I don’t ruin everything. I need _someone_ to fill Ethan’s place, don’t I?”

> surohsopsisofclouds: "No, Remus! It's not right for him to do that! Yes this is a stressful situation, but that doesn't give anybody the right to use anybody else as a verbal punching bag! And... You aren't "the bad one". That's a societal lie, there's no such thing as "the bad one" or "the good one". You are who you are, and who you are isn't automatically bad just because people say it."

He summons his morning star and tries to balance it on his outstretched foot. “Oh, no, don’t get me wrong, I think it’s fucked up too. We went through all that together, and he’s an asshole anyway just because he feels shitty. But I feel shitty too! Everyone does! It’s not fair! Ooh, hell yeah!” He takes a few seconds to celebrate once the weapon is successfully standing on on its own. In an attempt to make it do a backflip, he kicks it up, and it nails him in the stomach. 

“God-fucking-AGH!” He hurls it at the wall, and it makes a pleasingly loud _BANG!_ , accompanied by a hole nearly through the wall. Satisfied with the destruction, he huffs and plops back down. "It just feels like that’s what _he_ thinks sometimes. That he has the right to hate on the bad guy when he feels bad, because that used to be what everyone did anyway. It used to be fine. I think he forgets that it isn’t anymore.“

> jemthebookworm asked: "Roman I know you're stressed but that was mean and harsh"

“I don’t care right now! It’s his own fault; he kept riling me up and distracting me too much to–!” Noticing his volume, he snaps his mouth shut, listening intently for any sign that he woke Ethan up. After a minute or so, he hears a light snore, and sighs in relief. “I mean, I… I do care, but I don’t have time to worry about that. I need to finish and _leave_ , and I can’t risk him making this take any longer than necessary.“

Recalling the how the breathing exercise helped calm Ethan, he tries a round of it himself to keep his composure. 

Just a few more minutes.

He then shifts his focus back to the task at hand. What were those hiding places again? The upper floor, the hidden room, and the nest thing. Right.

He replicates them to the best of his ability, and furnishes the room with anything he can think of that’s either useful or in Ethan’s old room. Cozy seats, a nice little rug, a fridge with snacks and beverages, a fireplace, some books and games, various plants (which he assumes are supposed to be alive), and a table appear. He sets a circular tray and a clock on the table, and scribbles in a newly conjured notebook for a few moments.

Once another snore confirms that it’s safe, he places the notebook and a pen inside Ethan’s space. He doesn’t bother to double-check his work before sinking out so rapidly that he may as well fall through the floor.

> jemthebookworm: "Hey Pat can you,, check up on Remus?"

Patton bounces out of his bed. “Of c– ughhh…” He groans and holds a hand to his head, internally fighting yet another battle of morality. After a few moments, he perks back up. “Of course I can! Where is he, and what am I checking for?”

> kiaratale: "I think he's in his room. He couldn't control himself and roman yelled at him, and now he's feeling bad ;; maybe a cookie together can help? :3"

“Oh geez, those two sure have been fighting more lately, haven’t they?” He sighs. “I’ll see what I can do to cheer him up. Hopefully he didn’t hurt him too badly.”

He rises up outside of Remus’s door, knocks, and waits a few seconds before cracking the door open. “Hey, kiddo. Is it okay if I come in?”

“Hmm… got any cookies?”

Patton summons a plate full of them, smiling brightly. “Sure do!”

Remus bounds to the door and yanks it wide open, giving Patton no time to prepare himself for any potential disturbing imagery. To his relief, though, Remus is fully dressed, and there are no mutilated beings in sight. “Well, why didn’t you say so? Come on in!”

> Anonymous: "Roman was mean to him, so he's pretty upset"

After letting Patton in, Remus throws his hands out dramatically, and a big, fluffy couch with only a _little_ blood on it materializes before them. He bounces onto the side with blood and pats the seat next to him. Patton hesitates for only a brief moment, ensuring that his side is blood-less before joining him. He holds out the plate of cookies to Remus, who most certainly does not hesitate before wolfing three down. 

“Y’know, Remus,” Patton reaches for his own cookie, shaking off a slight sense of déjà vu. “You don’t have to pretend you’re fine if you aren’t. Unless you’re always this much more flamboyant when you’re upset, but last time I checked, that’s not true.”

“Oh, come on! So this isn’t working either?” Groaning, he pouts and stuffs a few more cookies into his mouth. “How come Roman’s the one who got the self-control in the split? How come I can’t hide things like he can? It’s not fair!”

“I mean… ‘self-control’ is a pretty strong word there, bud.”

“Well at least he can keep from spewing every little thing that comes to his mind! I can’t! It doesn’t matter if I’m sad or mad or happy. It doesn’t matter how hard I try, or how serious the situation is. If I ever went to my best friend’s funeral, I’d make a fucking dick joke about the shape of the coffin. No matter what I try, I’ll always be… well, Roman phrased it well. An _annoying little loudmouth_ who should just shut up!” He tearfully takes the last of the cookies, and the plate vanishes.

“Oh dear… Is that what he got mad at you for?“ Now that there’s no plate to risk dropping, Patton lightly rubs Remus’s back to help comfort him, and Remus’s breath hitches in surprise. Patton wouldn’t willingly initiate contact if he was only there out of obligation; even the thought of it would be repulsive. Which must mean that he still _legitimately cares._ If Remus had known that before, he wouldn’t have put up with nearly as much shit to stay on good terms with Roman. 

He nods, leaning into the touch. “I kept yelling at him in front of Ethan, but I really, really didn’t mean to! It always just slips out! Like my–” 

“Wait, wait, wait, when were you two with Ethan?” Patton rushes to express his confusion before Remus can finish. “I thought only Logan was supposed to go.”

“Well, long story short, Logan caused issues and Roman went to help, Roman caused issues and I went to help, I caused issues and I was told to leave.”

“What sorts of issues…?”

“Flashbacks, mostly. Ethan got banged up a bit too.”

“Wait, what?! How did he get ‘banged up’?”

“Apparently he scratched his hands when he forgot where he was the first time. Then I heard a crash when I knocked on the door, and I think something happened when Logan did that too? And I have no fucking clue what happened the second time he forgot where he was, but he randomly sounded like he almost choked to death or something.”

Wide-eyed and silent, Patton stares at him as he processes the information, then begins to stand up. “…I think Logan and Roman have some explaining to do.”

“No, no, no, come on Pat! Just a few more minutes?” Remus grabs his hand, frantically clinging to his rediscovered friend. He can’t just leave him alone now! 

Patton cocks his head at the request, hesitates for a moment, and then sighs. “Sorry, kiddo, I–”

"But Ethan’s asleep now! Nothing’s gonna happen for a while, which means we have time to deal with it later, right? Please?”

Ever since they found Ethan, and especially after he woke up, the sides began spending all their time on trying to fix everything. They’ve been doing whatever they can to figure out what to do, how to help, why he was afraid – and then how to keep Thomas intact in the midst of it all. And in the process, Patton realizes, they’ve forgotten about their own needs. They’ve forgotten about _each other’s_ needs. Ethan may have gone through a lot, but he isn’t the only one in the mindscape who needs attention. 

Patton takes a single glance at Remus’s attempt at puppy dog eyes, and any remaining reluctance melts away. 

“Well, I _did_ come to comfort you,” Smiling warmly, he sits back down, and drapes his arm around Remus’s shoulders. “What kind of friend would I be if I up and left before I was done?”

Remus beams, and before Patton knows it, he’s caught in the biggest bear hug he’s ever been in. 

Everyone’s always told Patton that he gives the best hugs, but it’s beginning to look like he might have some competition.

He giggles, and hugs Remus back.


	18. Chapter 18

> jemthebookworm: "Whatcha up to V?"

“Shit–!”

Virgil jolts upright in surprise, nearly falling from the dresser he’s perched upon. He pulls down his headphones, drops them in his haste, and nearly falls again in his scramble to catch them. Once he’s ensured that he and the headphones are both safe from gravity’s effects, he takes a breath to settle his nerves.

“Good god, don’t sneak up on me like that!” He huffs, taking his now headphone-less phone out of his pocket, and pauses the music blasting from the speaker. “That’s my job.”

As he reaches for the end of the cord to plug it back in, he notices the time out of the corner of his eye. “Oh. Huh.” He pockets his phone. “It’s been a while since Logan was supposed to visit Ethan. Wonder if he’s back.”

He hops off the dresser, and before he hits the floor, he’s in Logan’s room. 

> jemthebookworm: "Hey-Lo whatcha up to?"

Virgil gives a half wave. “Hey.”

“AAA–!”

Logan jolts upright in surprise, nearly falling from the chair he’s seated in. He fumbles with his rubix cube, drops it in his haste, and nearly falls again in his scramble to catch it. Once he’s ensured that he and the cube are both safe from gravity’s effects, he takes a breath to settle his nerves.

“Aaaa…nxiety! Virgil. Hello. Nice to see you.” He clears his throat. “What brings you here so… suddenly?“

Virgil shrugs, leaning against the wall beside him. “I wanted to know how it went.”

“I’d prefer to not make assumptions, would you mind–”

“The one specific thing we planned on you doing today, maybe?”

“Right,” Logan sighs. He tosses his finished rubix cube in the air and catches a newly shuffled one. “Well, while the plan in itself was technically successful, the overall experience… certainly could have been better.”

Slight thumping sounds can already be heard as Virgil’s fingers start drumming away at the wall. “Care to elaborate?”

“Of course. First, may I offer you something to fidget with to soothe your nerves?” Logan holds out a rubix cube, and Virgil eagerly takes it.

> jemthebookworm: "Sorry about startling ya V, fair warning something's went down but it's chill, nothing to panic over"

“…So once he finally ate, I decided it was best to leave them to their creative undertaking. Judging by his excitement, it feels fairly safe to assume that he’s doing better now.” Logan hands his completed rubix cube to the anxious side now seated beside him, and is given one that’s been fidgeted with until entirely reshuffled in return. Already working on the one he just received, Virgil takes a deep breath as he finishes processing the story.

“Well, L, that is both better and worse than I expected. Congrats.”

“Thank… you?” Logan tilts his head. “I’m not sure how that would work, though; what exactly did you expect?”

“Well, on one hand, I expected the room to be burnt to ashes or something. But on the other, I expected you to just give him _food_ , not an _hour-long panic attack_. I thought that was my job.” Virgil huffs with a debatable amount of amusement. “I’m almost impressed.”

“I’m… still not sure whether you’re legitimately complimenting me or not, but I’d hope the events aren’t considered compliment-worthy.” 

“Not really, no, but sarcasm’s better than freaking out. Supposed to be working on that, right?”

As they swap cubes once more, Logan notices some tension in Virgil’s attempt at a nonchalant shrug, and shakes his head. “I believe you said the goal had to do with your heightened fear in itself, not the way you display it.”

“How did you…?”

“I’m not exactly a novice in the subject; it’s easy to spot when you know what to look for.” He sets his cube to the side and offers his hand to Virgil, who sighs before taking it in his own. “What specifically is worrying you, and what can be done to put you at genuine ease?”

Virgil furrows his brow, his already tight grip steadily increasing. “We don’t know that it ended up fine. We’re just guessing. It was bad enough when I thought it’d be simple, but now, who knows how bad it might get? What if something else happened? What if J- Ethan got hurt even worse? What if they need help, and can’t tell us? What if–”

“Would you like me to go check on them?”

_“Yes.”_ Virgil’s response is nigh instantaneous, as is the flood of relief he receives when Logan nods. “Just make sure not to knock this time. Don’t get too loud. Don’t make any sudden movements. Make sure he can’t see you. Make sure he–”

“I promise, I will have the utmost of caution throughout my endeavor. I’ll rise up instead of entering through the door, and though he shouldn’t be able to see me, I will be just as careful with my appearance as with my volume until I’m certain.” 

Upon noticing that Virgil doesn’t seem too convinced, Logan begins stroking his hand with the one not being crushed. “I won’t tell you that there is nothing to worry about, but more likely than not, I will _show_ you when I get back. I can’t think of too many ways the high note I left them on would be lowered to a concerning extent.” He gently pulls away from Virgil, and the anxious side hums in reluctance before letting go.

“…Good luck.”

“Hopefully, I won’t need it.”

Logan sinks out. 

> kiaratale: "Logan are you sure it's a good idea to just get into the room without warning? What if he notices you for whatever reason? Won't he panic again..?"

Logan slowly rises up in the spare room, hears you just as his head is above the ground, and pauses to survey the room first. After a minute or so with no sight of Ethan, and no sound of acknowledgement from anyone, he concludes that it’s safe to come the rest of the way. He whispers, “I didn’t exactly have a way to contact them beforeha–” before cutting himself off with a palm to the forehead. “You guys. Right. I apologize, but it seems a bit too late now.”

Sighing, he continues to observe the room with growing confusion. Roman obviously altered it a great deal – the veiled table and chair have been replaced with all sorts of furniture, curtains, decorations, and even a second floor similar to that in Ethan’s room. However, there is no sign of either side he left here.

Ethan, of course, has a reasonable explanation – he could simply be within any of the seemingly numerous hiding places, occupying himself quietly without noticing his appearance. Assuming this explanation is correct and Ethan _is_ here, the silence implies that there is currently no one to talk to. Which brings Logan to the perplexing conclusion that Roman must have left.

The plan was for Logan to complete the mission and share the results with everyone. If Roman finished, the logical conclusion would be to report back to Logan so he could do exactly that. So why didn’t he?

> jemthebookworm: "Wait Logan!! Why don't you ask one of the others Ethan was sleeping!!!!"

Indeed, Logan finally hears a snore come from a curtained off area in the corner of the room. He quietly sighs in relief; Ethan is still here and, presumably, safe. Though he does find it odd that he’d be asleep around midday, he decides to find Roman for an explanation rather than disturb Ethan’s slumber. Perhaps it’s simply necessary to rest while he processes such a large influx of mental energy.

However, this means that his theory is now more likely to be correct – for some unknown reason, Roman left without getting back to him.

He furrows his brow upon realizing the words you chose. “’Others’? Plural? Was someone besides Roman here in my absence?”

> jemthebookworm: "Yeah, Lo, maybe go ask Roman? Someone should probably check on him regardless"

“That’s… concerning, to say the least. Okay. One moment.” Logan rises back up in his room, and is instantly bombarded with questions from the embodiment of anxiety. 

“Well? Are they okay? Are they hurt? Are they dead? Do they need help? Where are they? What happened? Wh–" 

Logan holds a hand up to cut him off. "Ethan is fine. He’s alive and asleep. Roman, however, was not there, and evidently needs checking in on.”

“Shit. Do you know where he is?” Virgil stiffens as he watches Logan shake his head. “What if he’s lost? What if he ran away? What if he’s dead? What if we never find him? What if he doesn’t want us to find him? What if he hates us? What if–”

“Virgil, you’re spiraling.” Logan sits on the floor, and motions for Virgil to join him. “What are five things you can see?”

“A future where Roman is gone forever.”

“That’s one. What about something in this room?”

“Your eventual disappointment in me for wasting time.”

“You’re not wasting time. What about… something with stripes?”

Virgil furrows his brow. “What is this, I Spy?” Logan shrugs, and he rolls his eyes. “…Your tie.”

“Something green?”

“Uh…” There isn’t a horribly plentiful amount of green objects in this room, so it takes him a few seconds. “The potted plant on your desk.”

“And a freebie.”

“That cup of pencils.”

“Good job. Now, we can’t make any assumptions about Roman’s fate without evidence. What do you think would be the best way to find evidence?”

Virgil sighs. “…To look for him.”

“Good idea. Where would you suggest we start?”

“Probably his room.”

Logan stands up and offers a hand to Virgil. “Shall we?”

“I guess.”

-

“There you are!”

Roman jerks upright, startled by the declaration, and looks upward from his curled-up position on the floor to see Logan and Virgil walking towards him. He quickly sits up and wipes his eyes. “Oh, hey! Uh, sorry for not getting back to you, Lo, I guess I got a little… distracted. Nothing to worry about, of course!” He puts on his best attempt at a sincere smile, and then winces upon noticing that his room doesn’t appear to be following suit. The greyscale surroundings lightly throb with forced dull colors, obviously not convincing the two of his claims of positive mental well-being in the slightest.

Curse this room for such betrayal.

Logan and Virgil exchange a glance and take a seat on either side of him. He eyes their offers of comfort – open arms for an embrace, and an open hand for holding, respectively – and considers denying his need for them before realizing that he’s already begun to lean into Logan. He grumbles with annoyance, more directed at himself than anything else. Before he knows it, he’s being held by both of them, weeping once more.

After letting a few minutes pass, Logan softly asks, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I… I just…” Roman sniffles, trying to ignore the lump in his throat long enough to get words past it. “He was… Ethan told me some stuff, and… I think I figured it out. At least a little bit. And it– i-it really _is_ all my fault." 

"Hey, no, no, no, that’s not true. It’s sorta everyone’s fault, remember? Didn’t we agree on that?”

Roman grits his teeth. “Not anymore! You were just– you were just rude to him, Virgil! That’s sort of different than being the whole f-fucking reason he got hurt so badly! I-I may as well have– I may as well– I–” He breaks down into tears again, letting go of Virgil’s hand in favor of hugging himself tightly, attempting to make himself as small as possible. 

After a few moments of hesitantly wondering what he should do instead, Virgil notes that Roman still seems comfortable with being held by Logan, and decides to follow the logical side’s lead. He drapes his arm around Roman, holding him in a hug sandwich. 

They need to ask him for details about what happened. They need to discuss everything as a group and figure out what to do next.

But that can wait.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued in Chapter 1, where we'll be starting at the beginning of this whole catastrophe! No more vague references to the plot you don't know about yet! Just the actual plot! :D


End file.
